My Hormone Experience
I took many herbs and hormones over the years self prescribed and self administered, some I noticed subtle results and other others nothing. Most of the ones I could afford I could not afford to take for an extended period.
I remember being about nine years old and being curious I crept into my great aunts camper and discovered her medications. I was really impressed with the neat shapes and pretty colors. I stared at them for a while and though I have never told anyone this before I remember an adult telling me not to touch people’s medications because it could make you sick or change something about you. I remember wondering which one would help me be more a girl and then I heard someone coming and shoved some in my pocket.
I got caught and I made some excuse up about wanting to play with them and I believe they bought it, after all who would imagine a nine year old boy had secretly been wishing his whole life he had been born a girl. Life was not easier for my sister, in fact if anything as boy I had it way easier, but I wasn’t happy I was not myself the social trappings didn’t fit. Everything was just wrong.
There was to my knowledge no such thing as Transgender, at that time, I was only vaguely even aware of gay people and that was through the vague abstract insult of other kids calling kids who were a little different the term. I never used it myself mostly cause I wasn’t sure what it meant, but also because I was different myself and I was always told, “People who live in glass houses should never throw stones.”
Years later I had collected a small secret library or sexual and hidden social knowledge mostly in the form or magazines. I took everything with a grain of salt since I was well aware that snake oil could be sold in any form and buying anything from a “subculture” publication was in itself a risk. I decided to not spend money unless I could see the product first and knew what I was getting. I continued to read and gobble up any information that might help me to fix my birth defect but I still had to pretend to be male. I had no choice if I wanted to eat I needed a job so I had to acquiesce to the demands of the world around me, there was no option to be myself. I was miserable but I thought that was just how it had to be, I was born to exist in hell.
Of several herbs I had discovered in my research “Black Cohosh” seemed the most prominent and effective if the magazine testimonials were to be believed. I was living in a city after college and chanced to enter a health foods store that had a large bulk herb section and I found Black Cohosh, I bought a lot of it. I bought empty gel capsules and filled hundreds of them and I also bought a metal tea ball and began taking Black Cohosh everyday. I did this for a couple years and I think I noticed a subtle softness and minute increase in my breast size. However it was so subtle and took so long I was not really certain that I did not simply imagine it.
I know that periodically throughout my life my breasts would get larger on their own, not so much outward but the areolas would be much larger it seemed than almost any other males. I have always felt funny about being shirtless, it just felt wrong, It was expected in some gym classes I was forced to participate in school and the dreaded announcement would be made ok its “shirts verses skins”. I was one of the few kids who managed to escape gym class more than anyone. I did anything and everything I could to avoid it and to avoid the locker room, I was never turned on by anyone else, I didn’t want to see them and I didn’t want a bunch of boys looking at me it was torture and I felt like I was being visually raped. I always wanted to crawl somewhere and cry and never come out when I was forced by gym teachers who once in a great while caught me avoiding that torture.
Later as the Internet evolved and I grew with it, I discovered to my joy I could find information about hormones and also about surgery and that I was not alone and not just some kind of sexual freak. As soon as I could afford to order some I put my research to the test, taking progesterone, testosterone blockers and estrogen in several forms. Patches, pills, capsules and I would have tried injections accept I got weak around needles. I discovered I felt slightly better when I was on estrogen, I did not get as deeply or as often depressed. I just felt more content in general. The testosterone blockers I took made my occasional senseless rages virtually disappear.
I was happier than I had ever been with my hormones, however I was living under the poverty line in the US and a three month supply cost me over $1,000 US Dollars. So it took me nearly a year to save enough money to pay for the meager three months I was able to get. It was like a vacation though and well worth it.
I met my last and current girlfriend nine years ago and she gave me shelter and accepted me more than anyone ever had. I had been collecting women’s clothing to allow myself to really feel free as myself when I was alone and my girlfriend made it possible for me to completely replace almost all my male casual clothing with female casual clothing. She would not accept me wearing dresses and still wont but she helped me get my skinny jeans and many girls t-shirts even one camisole and some makeup. I have had a harder time controlling the testosterone rages as I get older and have less patience waiting to be able to live my life. I have also hated the idea of a therapist so I resisted that for decades but I broke down one day and decided to try online to find help.
I could not find a therapist or doctor near my home and I was about to give up when I found a wonderful therapist online who has taken me on and helped me understanding that as long as I cannot afford it she has not charged me. I think she intervened because if she had not I would be self administering random hormones in desperation still. I would rather follow the “Standards of Care” however those were written by and for rich people in my humble opinion and are ridiculously impossible to afford in the US. My therapist helped me find the one doctor in my city that was compassionate and understanding to my situation as a transgender woman and as soon as I could afford the reduced rate the doctor gave me I went. The doctor examined me and spoke with me she gave me my first legitimate prescriptions and even some sample anti-depressant medication.
It took me a couple months more to afford the prescriptions the doctor gave me and then when I finally had the money I had to struggle with discrimination at the pharmacies which was very stressful. I had to get online again to find a local group of transgender people who could advise me on where to get my prescription filled without harassment or outright denial. I finally got my prescription filled and I have never felt so content in all my life and those three short months. I had to learn to give myself injections of Delestrogen but my breasts grew rapidly to B cups. I had no rage issues in that time and I had no depression either. I ended up throwing the depression medication away, which I regret now, since I have not been able to get my prescriptions refilled in nine months now.
For those who think it matters who have grilled me for the details of what I have had I have a file somewhere where I wrote down all the hormones I took over the years but I am not going to dig that up now. I will share what my personal prescriptions are as long as the requestor understands everyone’s body chemistry is a little different and what worked well for me may not be so good for someone else and vice versa.
I can honestly see and feel why so many transgender women end up in prostitution to afford their hormones or some other illegal activity. I am sorely tempted myself; the risk however is still too dangerous for me. I still have some hope, it is a candle in the wind and sometimes it flickers and almost goes out. But now I have a few friends online that seem to understand where I am in transition and how hard it can be, they have helped me hang on and not do anything drastic. In my mind if I am ready to give up and bite a bullet that is the day I will also be willing to do something illegal or promiscuous for the money.
Fortunately I am a good girl and I don’t frequent sleazy places and I don’t know of anyone who would take advantage of my weakness and use me that way even when I feel weak. That may not always be true but so far I have been lucky despite the fact I am unlucky in finding a decent job and an understanding employer. I keep trying to find more friends that understand and can advise me and perhaps one day one of them will know of a job I can do and a place I can stay. I have to keep trying to live someday the life I was meant to live.
Nikole (June 2010)
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