Lavender Rules - Bull peeps into the China shop

contributed by Lady Leslie

This may not be the way to do it but I am very good at doing things and making a mess so here comes the bull entering into this China shop.

Bull peeps into the China shop

I have been thinking about a name change recently because I dont think that either side of the family gets it. I believe in things in their purest form, love never dying be it romantic or platonic. To malice hurts me. But I have a flaw I am a lavender rose. To most of you the reference maybe lost and for sensibilities and phobias I will not explain this term ( well at least not yet, I will ease you into it slowly). So yes I am a lavender rose. And this colour in me makes it easy for people to feel violated by me. Yet they never seem to think that pushing themselves on to me wont make me defensive. So take for instance this constant slur of phobia in my ear. Playing songs meant to offend calling me a freak just because mommy said you should. Then you wonder about the kid's grades. I can take that shit from anybody outside but never from someone who proclaims undying love and falls under the category of family.

Bull proceeds to back of china shop.

When I was a kid I saw alot of things. But one of the things I witnessed that scared the shit out of me was watching a man I revered beat my Grand Uncle to a vegetable state because he was gay. This fear is numbing. So when I came out of the closet and loosing my mothers side of the family ( the side that was instrumental in my development) all of them too straight to comprehend this atrocity, I leaned a little unto my Fathers side scared to cross over because there was some bad blood brewing already ( remember Bull in a China Shop). I spoke to my dad when the fears began and recounted the tales of a molestation by his brother and my rape. Years after his death I said to an uncle that I was gay and he said he knew and we mosied on with our lifes. Maybe I was in search of some comfort ( my kryptonite) from the fact that I finally knew that this thing that I am is in my bloodline (although many of us refuse to admit it).

But what I truly dispise is the silence among families. Who though they profess love are never bold enough to say "so tell me about this lavenderness". Instead they sit around and whisper without the slightest affirmation of anything except that you are in love with the best thing that has happened to you and you have to hide it have to be prejudiced and have to be ridiculed because of it. Like I would choose to be this. I SIMPLY AM.

Fuck it!!! I believe in love in its holistic sense. I believe that I have to love some one or else I will whiter up and die inside cause I have been fucked with and fucked by men who I never wanted but willed myself to be with so as to make my Mother my Father happy. Homophobes all of them. Double hell for me, hurt by them betrayed by myself.

I know I have no boundaries sometimes. But I do know that there is no reason for me to be treated like shit because you cannot visualize what I do to my partner. Because you find my sex repulsive. But I am not fluanting my sex. I amhappy to be in love. Simply with the way she smiles for me and at me even when she hates me. I love the way her eyes flicker and dance when she eats her favorite food. The sound her toes make when she is happy. The way her serious face scares the shit out of me. The way time passes slowly as if it knows how sacred every second is. The way her smile changes my mood into better. And the way she fits so perfectly on me and falls asleep for hours. The way no matter what she has my back and allows me to have hers ocassionally. She is the only one allowed to ever say to me I LOVE YOU LOTS and I believe. The way I feel like a better person for having known that love. The simpicity of it all. So take your mind out of the gutter.

So following me around, or stalking me cannot justify anything. All it does is infuse in me hate for you and your stupidity. Cause if you had fallen I would pick your heterosexual ass up brushed it off and given you shelter simply because Jesus says " Do unto others has you would have them do unto you"

I am not perfect. And I can sure as hell do better with this life now, but isnt family some kind of security you are granted even when it all falls down. So yes I will change my name and build a family of straight and gay people who no matter what will live by the rule in this my Lavender heart " do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I hope some family members transition, cause I seriously love you all.

God damn it if I make you uncomfortable at least talk about it. Dont say you love me cause I wont believe a single word you say. Just in case you forgot 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Now calm down with my favorite song

Ps we are not responsible for BUJU damn man tasted the coke and had a gun..work that out...sad but true And if we are I disagree that was not a very nice thing to do guys... I am not responsible.