Bi-sexual men & the women involved (Gleaner, January 24. 1982) (Flashback)

By Jennifer Ffrench

It has been said that the Jamaican Society is riddled with "closet queens" — homosexual
men, who pose as heterosexual in public and in their relationships with women, only displaying their "true colours" when in the company of their fellow cohorts and prospective initiates. There are also those who are opportunist), not really homosexual but indulge merely for financial reward in much the same way that prostitutes do; or succumb so that they can get, or move ahead in their jobs. Whatever the reasons, there are large numbers of men who enjoy the best of both worlds — men and women - and their ability to switch with great ease between the sexes has been causing alarm among many women who dread the thought of discovering that their boyfriend, lover, husband or intended husband might be "making it" with a man.

The men who go both ways call themselves "bisexual" and while their homosexual partners are well aware of their heterosexual activities, the women in their life are usually the last to know and many never find out.

Precarious position
A Gay Freedom Movement (GFM) spokesman said that it is difficult to say what percentage of the estimated 100,000 homosexuals in Jamaica go both ways, but he thinks that a large percentage pf the gay community is bi-sexual. The spokesman said that the difficulty
in estimating this number arises because of the very diffuse inter-relationship between heterosexuality and homosexuality.
In explanation he pointed to a model devised by Alfred Kinsey, founder of the Institute for Sexual Research. Kinsey classifies the, sexual preference pf the human being on a continuum from zero to six and claims that the exclusively heterosexual lies at zero, -while the exclusively homosexual is to be found at six. In between those two points are men and women
who indulge in homosexual and heterosexual relationships to varying degree.

In general, the men who engage in sexual relationships with men and women at the same time are in very precarious positions. They always have to be on guard against being found out by their families and. "straight friends. Being "found out" could mean major changes in their lives and the almost instant breakdown of the facades that they have so carefully
built up over the years.
The majority of them lead two lives - the One in which they are married, usually with children and have secure jobs. They present to the world a front which says "I am a normal, happily married man," Within the constraints of that "normal" life, there is the other life in which some of them especially the older men maintain long and stable relationships with male-lovers, or go "cruising" for the 'one-night stands' with the men their own age, or sometimes younger
men who are just 'coming out'.

Thirty-seven year old "Eric" is one bi-sexual man who has succeeded in keeping his homosexual life secret and apart from his 12-year-old marriage. The fear however, that he has lived with for the 19 years that he has been a practicing homosexual, "is the day when it will come out in the open", and his carefully cultivated life will come tumbling down around him.
"I am not happy about living a double life. I really am not,", he said, but in the meantime he
strives desperately to protect the deceit which is his life. "I go to the occasional gay party, and don't move very closely in the gay community. I have too much at stake," the father of a nine-year-old girl said. The things he has at stake are his family, and in particular his daughter to whom he it very close, and his job which brings him about $60,000 a year.

"Eric" says that he has often thought of living his life as a gay man but he stands to lose too much. "My daughter couldn't deal with a separation, and she is the one reason why I work so hard." he said. As to his job, he feels that the Board of Directors would find some excuse to fire him if they ever found out that he was homosexual. More than that however, "Eric" claims that he is very committed to his marriage which he described as a very stable relationship. He said that when he got married he was very in love with hit wife whom he still cares for deeply. But he wouldn't tell her he is also homosexual. "I have thought about telling her but the wouldn't
stay in the situation once the found out. She would take it violently and would feel that she had to leave me," he said. •
He also feels that she would tell her relatives and he doesn't think that he could deal with the embarrassment, "To tell her would be to end everything," he said.
The option he chose was to keep his homosexual and his heterosexual relationships separate and apart.

At a rule, therefore, the gay men with whom he is involved do not visit his home, and he is careful not to invite any man who is openly effeminate to his home. "Eric" says that there are many homosexual men who lead double lives, and that every now and then he goes to a gay party and see people who would know you "open your mouth in shock."
"I don't think you could ever conceive of how many men are in marriages who are in homosexual relationships. There are quite a lot of people who would never suspect," he said.

Total honesty
In complete contrast to the men who deliberately set out to keep their homosexuality a secret, is 25 year old "Paul" and 27 year old "Peter" who believe in total honesty with the women with whom they deal. "I lay it on the line before I get involved with a woman, Paul said, admitting that his honesty has only cost him one girl friend so far. The accounts clerk who hat been in- a steady relationship with a male lover for four years admits that he talks to women whom he thinks are open-minded enough to accept his homosexuality. 'Peter" also subscribes to being honest in his relationships with women. He is married and his wife who is pregnant with their first child knows that he is gay and knew this before they got married. He takes her to gay parties at which he takes turns dancing with her and with his male lover.

His wife says that she isn't bothered about him dancing with a man because at a gay party one expects him to be dancing with men. She also does not mind her husband having relationships with men. but said that she would be jealous if he was having a relationship with a woman.
"Women are more possessive and in relationships they tend to hang on and it would have to be secretive. Guys are more open." she said adding that she usually knows the man her husband is having a relationship with because he comes to their home
"If "Peter" has a friend that I don't like I will tell him and he generally respects that. I am not afraid to tell him if I don't lite the person." she said.

The Gay Freedom Movement spokesman supports honesty in a relationship between homosexual men and women. He' said that whenever he has the opportunity like when a gay man comes to him saying he is planning to marry. DC counsels him to be honest
with the woman he is marrying. "It is the deception and the deceit that goes along with not telling the woman that leads to the problems later." he said. Most women are turned off by the idea of dealing with a homosexual man. Their first considerations are usually with health reasons and how deeply they feel for the man. "Peter's" wife dealt with the health problem right
up front. "I read a lot about it and before I got married I discussed k with my doctor and he told me all the disadvantages, so I am aware of them" she said. The result is that her husband does not touch her without first applying to himself an ointment prescribed by her doctor.
"I don't think 1 could deal with it." a 24 year old professional woman said when I put the question to her. "but I would hone that 1 would be given a chance to decide."

Marriage on the rocks
An 18 year did college student who says the that she has been in three relationships - two of them sexual -in which the men tuned out to be homosexual said that
she was hurt that none of the men felt they could be honest with her before they entered into the relationship.
On the three occasions she found out that they were gay from hearing people talk about them, and it was only when she confronted them with the information that she heard the truth. The relationship* never lasted after that, although she is still very friendly
with the men.
There are some women who marry homosexual men or get into relationship! with them with the hope that they can change them. "Marie" a 30 year old professional woman married
a 27' year old man she knew was gay. Her first and main reason was that she was in love with him and thought the could be incorporated in his life, but looking back on it now she says that maybe she didn't really believe that he was homosexual.

"Deep down, I probably thought he was rebelling against something and could change." she said.
Months after her marriage she found out just how wrong she was. "After the marriage he got more gay than ever." she said. In retrospect she thinks he really needed to be married so that he could have a front for his homosexual activities. She said that those activities with men really not have bothered her as long as she wasn't faced with them, as long as he taking care of home." Instead however, there was an unending stream of friends who were always their house and with whom he spent most of his time. After some months of trying to explain to him how she felt without any change she walked out. After a month he asked her to return, but six month later she was forced to leave again. That was about a year ago and now they live apart.