Coming Out for A Trans Person ..........

Parts of this post with suggestions are taken from leading trans ally and African American activist/blogger Monica Roberts' blog and from my other blog on Wordpress

here is my short two cents on coming out:

also see from Gay Jamaica Watch: Coming out (or outed) 

With today being Coming Out Day, you'll see ceremonies and events all over the country that will be primarily focused on the LGB end of the community rainbow. For the trans end of the spectrum, coming out has a different twist to it.

When people come out as lesbian, bi or gay, they are still the son or daughter that their parents brought home from the hospital that day. But when you come out as trans, it means that's akin to a death in the family.

The child they once knew will eventually be morphing into an outward gender presentation different from the one they brought home from the hospital. Those parents will have to get used to that morphed body over time just as it took the trans person involved a certain amount of years to come to grips with the reality they are trans.

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From the moment of that declaration that we are trans, we are going from zero to femininity or masculinity and begin the process of having to navigate all the societal baggage that particular desired gender role comes with while unlearning it from the birth gender role.

We trans people are the only part of the rainbow community that have to pay for the privilege of being ourselves. In addition to having to go through medical and surgical intervention, there's also wading through the paper trail we have piled up and changing those identity documents to reflect who we are now.

I don't want to underestimate how liberating it is for a trans person to come out to family, friends and allies. It does wonders to lift the burden of carrying that tremendous secret off our psyches so we can begin to openly and honestly live our lives.

But a dose of reality as you make this life changing decision, especially if you're planning to do so under the euphoric environment of National Coming Out Day.

If you're a trans person of color, it's even tougher to come out and I understand that reticence to do so. When we average two transwomen of color killed every month, 70% of the names we read during every Transgender Day of Remembrance are Black and Latina, and we have the unwoman meme and disrespect hurled at us on a regular basis, it's enough to make you pause.

 

Unlike our white counterparts, we transpeople of color don't have the long established support groups or organizations that are fluent in our culture, backgrounds and needs.

We've only started getting the attention we deserved in the tail end of the last decade. The Trans Persons of Color Coalition was founded in 2010, and we still have to fight tooth and nail just to get any kind of positive visibility or media attention for our role models and our issues.

Coming out for trans people of all ethnicities is tempered with the knowledge that we still have a long way to go to achieve trans human rights in this country We still have a lot of education we have to do even with recalcitrant hardheads in our rainbow family and within trans circles about what being trans is. 

But as I've discovered ever since I began my own transition in 1993, my life not only began when I did so and got comfortable in my own skin, my family expanded. We have a proud history that is still unfolding every day. I have out and proud trans brothers and sisters all over the world now. I have trans elders who are eager to pass down their hard won knowledge to me so I can do the same for you. I love the fascinating journey of discovery I've been on.

And I'm proud to be an African descended #girllikeus. That outweighs whatever negatives connected with our coming out decision.

But to get to the point where I, Janet Mock, Isis King, Kylar Broadus and countless other trans brothers and transsisters are, the first step is coming out and living your life openly and honestly. You need to not only do so for yourself when you feel comfortable and confident in yourself to do so, frankly the trans community needs you to do so as well.

The rest of being trans we can deal with one day at a time..

ENDS 

Before you come out:

I think it’s important to start with thinking about the purpose of your communication, and that is just to come out to them, to come out of hiding and let them know who you are and what you’ve been struggling with. I’m making the assumption that you also wish to remain as close as possible to your family, and be accepted and hopefully supported by them in the future.

There’s also the question of if you should come out at all. If you are dependent on your parents/family (under 18, or if they are paying for college, etc…) then you need to think of the very real possibility of their cutting you out or off. The last thing you want to be is a homeless transgendered youth. If this is the case, then it may be wiser to spend some time finding and getting support before proceeding.

If you decide that the time is right and it’s safe to come out to them then…

The Vehicle:

My experience has been with Transgendered clients, that a letter works best. The letter has several advantages over face to face communications.

You get to take your time and think about what to say and word it perfectly.

You can have a friend, therapist or supportive person read it over first and give you feedback.

You can’t be interrupted.

The recipient can go back and read it again and take their time with it.

Why a letter and not an email? Well, it’s more personal, email can be a little cold.

What to say:

I’m of the school of thought that you should just say it in your own words as clearly and plainly as possible. I think it can be good to also include the following:

Reassurance that you love them and want to remain connected and hope that they will be supportive.

Reassurance that this is not their “fault”.

A little bit about your struggle with gender over the years, your experience, coping, isolation, etc… (be specific! It will help them empathize with you)

A few recommendations of books, articles or support groups in their area and I recommend to ask them specifically not to respond right away, but to take some time (a week) before they respond. Let them sit with it. This will weed out any immediate bad response and let them cool down.

Just as you would tailor a cover letter for a job you may need to tailor your coming out letter for different family members. Your parents are two (or maybe more than two) separate people, invite them to respond individually.

What not to say:

No need to talk about specific long term plans/timetables or surgeries in your coming-out letter. Remember, the purpose of the letter is to let your family know that you are transgendered. Period. Future plans are better left for future communications. Why? Because just digesting the fact that one has a trans son/daughter/brother/sister is enough to begin with. Remember, you’ve had a lot of time to think about this and are ready to move ahead. They are just learning of this for the first time and need to absorb it. I think its ok to gently allude to the fact that changes might be coming in the future, but I wouldn’t go father than that in your first communication on this topic.

There is no need to go into the etiology of transsexualism here. There are too many conflicting theories biological and otherwise, and even if you knew the origin of your being transgendered, it wouldn’t change it.

Afterwards:

If you get a positive response that’s great! Otherwise stay calm, even if you get a negative first response. Give them time.

Don’t be reactive to a negative response. Be the adult (or if you don’t feel it, just pretend). Remember the long term goal is to have them be connected to you and supportive. Keep the long term goal in mind in all your communications with them.

It does happen sometimes that parents have a very negative response and even reject you outright. This can be very hurtful and disappointing. When this happens, again, don’t be reactive no matter how you feel. Keep the long term goal in mind. It’s easy to “write them off”, but ultimately unsatisfying if you want to have your family.

A few things to do with a negative reaction:

Communicate that you are open and ready to talk when they are,

Be empathic with their difficulty in accepting/understanding/assimilating this information. Understand that they need time and may have a religious/cultural basis of understanding that can’t be overcome quickly.

Express your wish and hope that it will change over time.

Ask what you can do to help them accept this?

Other Approaches:

You know your family best, so keep that in mind when crafting your coming out communication.

Here are some other perspectives on how to come out to your family:
coming out, hormone, surgery, and other letters
http://www.videojug.com/interview/how-to-come-out-to-your-family-and-friends-as-transgender video ‘How To Come Out To Your Family And Friends As Transgender’
http://www.hrc.org/issues/3455.htm
Article ‘Coming Out to Family as Transgender’ from The Human Rights Campaign
http://www.tsroadmap.com/family/index.html
Transsexual Road Map – Family issues

How To Come Out To Your Family And Friends As Transgender

Check out the "Coming Out" tab immediately below this post for previous entries on the subject.

Peace and tolerance and safe and cathartic coming out!!!!!!!!!!

H

  

Sexual Liberation, De-Criminalization Focus of Conference

By Jerome Stuart Nichols

Originally printed 10/11/2012 (Issue 2041 - Between The Lines News)

ANN ARBOR -

Living in the cushy Midwestern cocoon of Michigan has a way of making people blind to the struggles of those next door. With last week's Sex and Justice Conference, The University of Michigan not only opened eyes but also got tongues wagging in the right direction.

From Oct. 4-6, an assortment of legal experts, scholars, health advocates and concerned citizens joined together at U of M's Rackham School for Graduate Studies. Guests included David Frank from the University of California Irvine, Sean Strub of the Positive Justice Project and New York based Jamaican human rights activist and lawyer Maurice Tomlinson.

The conference focused on three central issues: sex offender registries, the criminalization of HIV and sex work.

Those topics were chosen because, according to SJC Conference organizer Trevor Hoppe, "Over 750,000 Americans are currently registered as sex offenders," he said in his opening speech.

"Sex workers are routinely prosecuted by the police and locked up in a hostile climate of criminalization. Allegations of sexual misconduct are regularly made to discredit not just powerful figures like Julian Assange but everyday people, like a high school teacher..."

Hoppe hoped that bringing together people from all corners of the intersection of sex and justice would give each topic a unique perspective. It was a bet that paid off.

"My goal was to spark a conversation about the ongoing and increasing trend towards punishing and criminalizing sex globally. That goal has certainly been met," he said.

Even before the event officially started, conversations began. While enjoying coffee and waiting for the opening plenary session's customary "Michigan time" adjustment, participants were clustered around the space excitedly sharing ideas. That energy and excitement carried over throughout the conference.

With such knowledgeable people participating in the conference, a vibrant colloquy is to be expected. But it was the participant's passion and raw exchange of emotion that really had an impact.

"I found myself near-tears on multiple occasions," Hoppe said. "Not just tears out of sheer horror from some of the stories that were shared about how people are being locked up and unjustly treated by the state, but also tears of awe in admiration of the courageous work people are doing to resist those efforts."



While organized to shine a light on and combat the austere judicial crackdown on sex around the world, there were also moments that brought hope.

In the opening plenary session, Deon Haywood of women's advocacy collective Women with a Vision shared the story of their triumph over Louisiana's anti-sex worker "Crimes Against Nature" statute. Grievously, it was one of few stories with a happy ending and would not have been possible without cooperation from the Center for Constitutional Rights.

"That work didn't just take guts, it took years of community mobilizing, savvy legal advocacy, and outreach to the community at large," Hoppe said. "I don't think anyone who attended 'Sex and Justice' could have walked away without being inspired by the hard work of folks like Deon Haywood and Alexis Agathocleous who will go down in history for courageously standing up for justice."

Moments after Deon's inspiring story, Maurice Tomlinson gave an overview of Jamaica's complex issues dealing with homosexuality.

He drew several plausible connections between the waning battle for LGBT rights in the U.S. and the rising tide of religious extremism and homophobia in Jamaica. This created an image much different than what's normally seen. It's a little-known and bleak reality but successfully illustrates the need for gatherings like the SJC.

Despite the academic skew of the conference, many people from outside the domain of sexuality also came to be a part of the conversation. For them, revelations - such as Tomlinson's - came as a shock.

Amy Wright-Olsen - who'd come to be enlightened - was among those who were affected by his story.

"...the talk about Jamaica, my god, that was horrifying," she said with an exasperated sigh and grim look of concern. "It seems so bad here sometimes and then you hear that and it's like, 'Wow.' Unfortunately, we have it good compared to other places."

Even though saddened, Wright-Olsen was still excited to be a part of the conference.

"It was a really cool opportunity to come to something like this that I wouldn't usually be able to go to and hear some fabulous speakers," she said.

Although there is no guarantee of a Sex & Justice Conference 2013, Hoppe is hopeful that there will be some event that could carry the torch and continue the conversation.

"The event has been a tremendous success - a landmark event that I hope will have lasting implications for the organizing around sex and justice in the future," he said.

"I sincerely hope there are future events in the vein of 'Sex and Justice' - there is more work to be done."

Breast Cancer Month: A Jamaican Lesbian's survival story ................

REPOST from GLBTQJA on Wordpress

(WARNING - some photos contained may be unsettling)

On the evening of October 19, 2011 at the now defunct Couture Oasis bar's Open Mic Open Soul Wednesday night discussions series we were asked to invoke the presence of a Jamaican same gender loving breast cancer survivor who from the moment she opened her presentation had all wondering if she was really going through this struggle and complications with this awful disease. The picture of doom and gloom mixed with uncertainty and doubt as often marketed with cancer victims of all sorts was clearly missing from this vibrant soul. Her resilience had audience members in awe and deep appreciation and other stories from the transfixed persons came flying out as well at some points leaving many in the small air conditioned room teary eyed.

   

 "Judy" as I shall call her for purposes of this post is in her late twenties or early thirties from as early as 2010 said she started to notice strange things happening with her right breast and especially at or around the nipple. There were leakages at some points with what appeared to be water and blood as the residue from it and this she thought was maybe she had scratched her nipple area. After seeing this for some time she decided to have a check up done but doing the tests including a mammogram nothing was found , she had repeated tests over time but still there was neither any lumps or any blots on her X-Ray results to indicate there was trouble or via self examination the few times she attempted them. It was not until a new doctor she consulted went further than just the breast itself and focused also by her underarm to her lymph-nodes and realised that her nodes had overgrown onto her breast tissue, it was then she was finally diagnosed on November 26, 2010 after repeated calls from the doctor's office up to her due checkup date that she had Breast carcinoma, For solid tumors, stages I-IV are actually defined in terms of a more detailed staging system called the "TNM" system. N classifies the amount of regional lymph node involvement. It is important to understand that only the lymph nodes draining the area of the primary tumor are considered in this classification. Involvement of distant lymph nodes is considered to be metastatic disease. 

The definition of just which lymph nodes are regional depends on the type of cancer. N0 means no lymph node involvement while N4 means extensive involvement. In general more extensive involvement means some combination of more nodes involved, greater enlargement of the involved nodes, and more distant (But still regional) node involvement. M: Metastasis M is either M0 if there are no metastases or M1 if there are metastases. As with the other system, the exact definitions for T and N are different for each different kind of cancer. As you can see, the TNM system is more precise than the I through IV system and certainly has a lot more categories. The two systems are actually related. The I through IV groupings are actually defined using the TNM system. For example, stage II non-small cell lung cancer means a T1 or T2 primary tumor with N1 lymph node involvement, and no metastases (M0).  

She was kind to provide me with some photos of the courses of treatment she underwent. 

(photos published with permission)

short time after surgery and stitching

 

Herceptin treatment course

day 1 of draining

 

day 2 of draining to remove excess liquid around the area

She took it in strides much to the surprise of her family, close friends and then partner while they in turn had great difficulty emotionally in dealing with the news, many were surprised how she was calm and in control which in the long run made the road to recovery easier for all in knowledge of her illness and drew on her strength. Her mother and father in particular were deeply affected by the news according to her. Surgery was the next move and in preparation for that she dove into attending as much entertainment gigs as possible just weeks before going under the knife then came the faithful day of December 9, 2010 where she underwent her single mastectomy and a new set of problems presented themselves almost from the get go post the breast removal, the LMA - Laryngeal mask airway was apparently absent during the session so she was not fully drained the remaining tissue area where the breast was before leaving the hospital, as in most surgeries of this nature there is the issue of liquid gathering around the area where the tissues were and she had to make repetitive visits to do the drainage procedures with some side effects such as numbness, pain from where the needles were implanted and some lethargy but the nurses and medical team again expressed surprise and some elation at how she took it, she was even considered as a model patient to others who were also doing their own courses of treatment. In April 1, 2011 she commenced chemotherapy as of course one of the first things to go was her hair but one wouldn't recognize that it was the fault of cancer or chemo but more just her natural style. 

Her personality superceeds all other underlined issues  thus helping her to cope. At this point economic factors to navigate the sessions presented themselves as she required 17 injected doses of a particular treatment known as Herceptin HER2 test to determine if your cancer is HER2-positive before taking Herceptin, as benefit has only been shown in patients whose tumors are HER2-positive and there was some concern about other side effects such as the hardening of her veins and repetitive phlebotomy exercises leaving her skin marked and difficult to find new areas to puncture. Worsening of low white blood cell counts to serious and life-threatening levels and associated fever were higher in patients taking Herceptin in combination with chemotherapy when compared with those who received chemotherapy alone. The likelihood that a patient will die from infection was similar among patients who received Herceptin and those who did not.  Herceptin treatment can also result in heart problems, including those without symptoms (such as reduced heart function) and those with symptoms (such as congestive heart failure). The risk and seriousness of these heart problems were highest in people who received both Herceptin and a certain type of chemotherapy (anthracycline). 

Because she was diagnosed with a form of Metastatic Breast Cancer here are some quick facts about the drug/treatment/side effects.

Metastatic Breast Cancer

Herceptin has 2 approved uses in metastatic breast cancer:

• Herceptin in combination with the chemotherapy drug Taxol^® (paclitaxel) is approved for the first line treatment of Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2-positive (HER2+) metastatic breast cancer
• Herceptin alone is approved for the treatment of HER2+ breast cancer in patients who have received one or more chemotherapy courses for metastatic disease

Taxol is a registered trademark of Bristol-Myers Squibb Company.

Some Infusion Reactions include

• Some patients have had serious infusion reactions and lung problems; infusion reactions leading to death have been reported
• Symptoms usually happen during or within 24 hours of taking Herceptin
• Your infusion should be temporarily stopped if you experience shortness of breath or very low blood pressure
• Your doctor should monitor you until these symptoms completely go away
• Your doctor may have you completely stop Herceptin treatment if you have:
  • A severe allergic reaction
  • Swelling
  • Lung problems
  • Swelling of the lungs
  • Severe shortness of breath
• Infusion reaction symptoms consist of:

• Fever and chills
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Pain (in some cases at tumor sites)
• Headache

• Dizziness
• Shortness of breath
• Very low blood pressure
• Rash
• Lack of energy and strength

One other issue she faced was her own constant movements during some of her sessions as this can auger negatively for any patient and can lead to punctured or damaged skin that may itch or get infected if not properly monitored. She now does her Herceptin treatment every three weeks and has subsidized the costs through insurance and other state healthcare benefits under the National Health Fund and some help from Jamaica Reach to Recovery. Treatment can run in the millions literally locally as her initial run was budgeted for over $2M. Her type of cancer as you may have gleaned is rare as her family history does not have many persons who have or had the disease, she was alone on this front. 

Four other members of the audience expressed their own stories of losing loved ones and are presently under pain from some sort of cancer, but mostly that of the breast, clearly there are issues of closure for some persons with cancer of any sort. Judy's case however is a testament to survival and proof that strong will and determination can help to overcome the odds, her sister who was present in the discussion paid testament to that as she said she sometimes draws strength from Judy even though it is Judy who is ailing and she still wonders how does she do it?. Applause rang from the audience and commendations as to how she dealt with the whole ordeal and for openly sharing the information the audience ended the session which was followed by the floor opened to poetry. 

Her mother was recently diagnosed with the disease as well unfortunately and other friends have been surrounding her with love and support.

God Bless Judy. 

Peace and tolerance 

 H