Orgasms can improve your health ..........

Dr Shelly Ann Weeks share more advice

I know that when we talk about sex, many persons have different opinions about its necessity outside of procreation. The fact is that while the sexual act is necessary to procreate, that's not the only, or dare I say it, the most important function that this activity has. Before I get into the other necessary functions of sex, let me first take a look at the various stages that the body goes through when we have sex.

The sexual response cycle

The sexual cycle starts with excitement or arousal which is when the body starts to prepare for intercourse. During this stage foreplay is essential to get the blood flowing to the various organs and to put the body in the right mood. The excitement phase leads to the plateau phase where the body is aroused and heart and breathing rates are elevated and so is the blood pressure. During this phase the skin is extra sensitive and the erogenous zones (lips, nipples, genitals, neck, etc.) are even more so. It's during the plateau phase that intercourse happens and the genitals are stimulated to create friction that will lead to orgasm. For some persons one orgasm is enough, but some persons are multi-orgasmic and may require further stimulation and orgasms to be satiated.

photo added for effect from the net

I started off talking about orgasms, so let's get back to it. There are many persons who have difficulties achieving orgasm and the reasons are variable. But having an orgasm a day can actually improve your overall health and even your quality of life.

STRESS RELIEF

Orgasms are your body's built stress reliever. When someone orgasms the hormone oxytocin is released from nerve cells in the hypothalamus (a region of the brain) into the bloodstream. This hormone is also known as the 'feel good hormone' and it helps to stimulate feelings of warmth and relaxation.

HAPPIER RELATIONSHIP

More frequent orgasms might make it harder for your partner to cheat. The hormone oxytocin is also known as the 'love hormone' and studies have shown that its frequent release strengthens the bond between a couple and makes them less likely to go outside of the relationship for their sexual pleasure.

BETTER SLEEP

With the fast paced, busy life that most of us lead, sometimes it's hard to settle down and get a good night's rest. Having an orgasm before you go to sleep is a great way to fall asleep and improve the overall quality of your rest.

Pain relief

The magical chemicals (oxytocin, endorphins) released in the brain during orgasms are excellent pain relievers. Women who orgasm during child birth report better management of pain. Even women who orgasm during her menstrual cycle have less discomfort.

BUILDS IMMUNE SYSTEM

Having frequent orgasms will increase the production of 'killer' cells called leukocytes which are essential in helping the body fight off infection.

Orgasms feel really good and they are good for you, so I didn't think I needed to give too many reasons why you should try to have at least one a day. Think of it like taking your vitamins. After all, the benefits speak for themselves. Remember also that even though it's great to share the experience with someone, there is nothing stopping you from enjoying orgasms solo. Have fun and stay sexy.

Send your questions or comments to sexychatwithshelly@gmail.com or Tweet me@drsexyann or Facebook www.facebook.com/allaboutthesexy Website:www.drsexyann.com

Touching penises in double penetration does not make one gay ...........

Saw this one recently and had a little laugh but realized how serious it actually is. The concerned man asked if he was gay even after losing his erection turned off by the accidental touching of the other male in the arrangement. I have to disagree with the goodly doctor though in the response where it is stressed that the worried man should not have a foursome again, if his wife is consenting then so be it I imagine; frankly that is his choice in my view but he should get over worrying that because his penis came into contact with the other man while penetrating one woman does not make him gay.

Here is the question and response below:

Q: I am a guy who has had a really unpleasant and shocking experience. So I wonder if you could help me? I am 34, happily married. My wife is lovely and a very sexy woman.

Unfortunately, I let another guy at work persuade me to arrange a foursome, involving our wives and ourselves.

I was very into the idea because his wife is a fantastic-looking woman. She is a little older than my spouse and I, but she is in great shape.

To be honest with you, Doc, I could not wait to get my hands on her. As for my wife, she quite liked my colleague, so she was easily persuaded into it.

We all discussed the details and we agreed that the 'big night' would be at their place one Saturday evening. When we got there, my colleague and his wife were well dressed. She was wearing a sexy red dress with a plunging neckline. My wife looked very good as well.

We had a few drinks and some snacks, which they had prepared, then we got down to business. Everybody took off their clothes, and we danced together and had some more drinks.

I was smooching with my friend's wife he was 'necking' with my wife. Everything seemed to be going well.

The next two hours were a bit of a blur. I know that I penetrated the other woman several times, though I took care not to orgasm. I also remember seeing my colleague having intercourse with my wife for quite a long time.

Around 10 p.m., we all kind of piled into a heap on the bed. I suppose it was like an orgy. There were all kinds of things going on, especially between the two women. I admit I was really turned on.

However, suddenly something dreadful happened. Both my colleague and I were trying to penetrate my wife. By the way, she was totally happy about this. She seemed to like the idea of two men almost 'fighting' for her.

Then to my horror, my genitals accidentally touched the other guy's. I was disgusted by that, so I pulled away. I lost my erection immediately. In fact, I went outside and was sick. The worst thing was that just after all this, I think he orgasmed.

Neither of the women seemed upset by what had happened, but I felt terrible! As soon as possible, I got my wife to put on her clothes and we left.

Since then, I have been feeling very depressed. I have not discussed it with my spouse, but she knows I am unhappy.

Doctor, I would like to ask you three things:

1. Does this most unfortunate contact indicate that my colleague is secretly a homosexual?

2. Or am I perhaps secretly gay?

3. Could I have caught anything from the other guy?

Answer: 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Several times I have warned about the psychological ill-effects which can result from 'threesomes' and 'foursomes'.

You have become unhappy - possibly even clinically depressed - as a result of the fact that your penis seems to have touched another man's organ during your adulterous frolics.

Incidentally, female readers may be astonished by your distress. But, in fact, quite a lot of men do react negatively to any form of contact with another man's penis. I recently discovered that in the United States, there are a few 'swingers' clubs where they actually arrange counselling for men who have accidentally touched another man's organ.

In fact there is an 'orgy society' in Florida, which warns new members that this sort of contact might occur while two men are trying to have sex with the same woman. Their website says that this is nothing to get distressed about. That is correct.

Now let me try and answer your three questions:

1. I don't think there is the slightest evidence that your colleague is a homosexual. This was obviously an accidental contact. The fact that he may have 'discharged' shortly afterwards means nothing.

2. I do not believe for a moment that you are 'secretly gay'. To put it mildly, your entire story seems to be highly heterosexual.

3. It is unlikely that you have 'caught anything' from this brief contact with the other man's organ.

However, you have had sex with his wife and, if she is a regular 'swinger,' then there has to be a possibility that she might have had germs in her vagina. If in doubt, see a doctor for some tests.

My advice: Talk to your wife about what happened. Stop worrying. If you are still having these 'low' feelings, see a counsellor. And, please, do not do a foursome ever again!

Should I Tell Him About My Lesbian Affair?

Another question came in to the doctor on the Gleaner's health page and I wondered. If the answer makes sense, the question is as follows:

Question: 

Hello, Doc. I am 20 years old, and I have just got engaged to a wonderful guy, who is a newly qualified doctor. We have been having sex for around three months, and I have no problems in that area. He is good in bed.

But what is making me fret is this. Four years ago, when I was 16, I had a brief sexual relationship with another girl of the same age. I suppose you could call it an affair.

It only lasted about two weeks. It started with what is called a 'teenage crush'. Then there was a little kissing and breast-touching. Finally, we went to bed, which we did about four to five times. I did not know how to behave at all, but I do remember that she made me orgasm on three occasions. 

I did not understand what was happening to me.

Then it all stopped - mainly because my mother caught us naked in my bedroom, kissing each other. She got mad, and told the other girl's mom. Shortly afterwards, they left the island. I think they live in America now, but I have never been in contact with her and do not want to be in touch.

Don't get me wrong, Doc. I have no lesbian feelings now. I do not want to go with other women, but I want to know if I should tell my fiance about what I did with that girl?

here is the answer

A. Well, studies in the US have shown that a sizeable minority of teenage female students have brief relationships of this sort with other girls. Generally, it is quite a short-lived phase.

So you are far from unusual in having had a short spell of sexual contact with another teenage girl. You would be perfectly justified now in forgetting all about it.

First, should you tell your fiance? At the moment, I can see no good reasons for doing so.

Please understand that men can react in various ways to being told about a spot of lesbianism in the distant past. Some guys get excited about it; others are appalled.

As far as I can see, the only person in Jamaica who knows about that teenage 'crush' of four years ago is your mother, and it does not seem very likely that she is going to start telling people about it.

All in all, I guess you should 'let sleeping dogs lie'.

ENDS

If sexuality is so fluid and discussions indeed understandings of polyamory these days the answer from the goodly doctor seems a little dated to me as it is predicated on the old construct of experimentation while sticking to hetero-normative sexual relations.

What do you think about this one?

In  previous post (Am I a Lesbian?) I had suggested an online test maybe this one can work for this person as well. Or she can try a true professional on this.

Keep chatting folks, there is an online testing mechanism as captioned (I don't know if it actually works) but it seems interesting: Are you uncertain a about your sexual orientation? Than this is the quiz for you! Upon completion, you will find out weather you are straight, bi-curious, bisexual or lesbian: CLICK HERE

What if she is actually bisexual too?

also see:

Sexuality What is Yours? 2015

When Your Lesbian Partner is a Survivor of Sexual Abuse or Incest

On sexual orientation .. "homosexuality and bisexuality are natural phenomenon of the manifestation .......

When she chooses the other woman (third party in a str8 couple's bed)

Peace & tolerance

H

Viewers condemn kissing female students ...... yet again

So another case of teenagers in rebellious behaviour, experimentation or what as girls are said to be kissing and the photos miraculously making their way to social media. 

previous posts:
Experimental Sex Again? from GLBTQ Jamaica (blogger)

Early Sexual Initiation and Lack of Perceived Risk Put Youth at Risk

The issue is that with social media access so wide and the instantaneousness of it matters once hidden can now be seen in a heartbeat subject to the sharer originator or owner of the material security or lack thereof as we have heard of hacking and unauthorised posting of persons data. After all us as adults now in hindsight can look and condemn so easily and yet forget that we too at some stage maybe not kissing the same gender but the 'dolly house' antics, you show me I show you hideaway activities and such but I understand that a line must be drawn in as far as public knowledge.

I can remember the last case of Clarendon High School matter some months ago (see pic below) or the Spanish Town matter as well, but how do we tackle this one I ask as the girls might not be even lesbian or bisexuals for that matter but find such behaviour a means to be themselves outside of supervision and guidance.

Do we need social media etiquette of appropriateness courses and classes in schools or online?

some previous teen kissing examples:

Image blotted to protect their identity of Clarendon High girls earlier this year as well

Spanish Town High girls occurrence earlier this year

a rural school (photo) sex tape of a female and male in bushes in February of this year

We were once young too but if schools, parents and the Ministry of Education are not prepared to discuss sex and sexuality as it ought to be done with the age appropriate instruments then why are we surprised at such photos or angered at the participants suggesting they are headed into nastiness or debauchery. 

The Star News reported a day ago

The lip-locked photo of two female students of an all-girls institution in St Andrew has gone viral.

It has surfaced on a social networking site, Facebook, and has received widespread condemnation from the site's users.

The photo, which contains different frames of the schoolgirls dressed in uniform, shows them sitting in each other's lap suggestively and intimately holding on to each other as if in a relationship.

The photo appears to have been shot at the school and the largest frame has the girls passionately sharing a kiss with eyes closed.

When the school was contacted, THE STAR was initially told by an administrator that she was not aware of the picture because she had not seen it.

However, our news team was directed to the principal's secretary who told us, "The principal is not available for comment. We are dealing with the situation internally."

ENDS

How do we address this though in terms of talking to kids about sex? 

The cases of girls being abducted also needs to be raised here as curiosity can be deemed as consent by perpetrators or deviants and as this month is child's month (age of consent legally needs to be clearer) as recent Gleaner reports brought to bear:

More HERE & HERE from the Gleaner

also see:

photo from urbanislandz 

Pamputae's infamous lesbian kiss, proper role models or worth the risk for entertainement gain?

Dancehall Act Stylysh says Lesbians Linked her on Instagram after Secret Lovers' Song Controversy ....... Video Shoot to Commence

We're not lesbians - Stylysh clarifies song with Ishawna .......... And So What if They Were?

Dancehall's princess "Spice" lesbophobic rant "No Gyal To Mi Ting " 

Safety month in schools, bullying, oral sex and such ........... 2011

Peace and tolerance

H

Caroyln Cooper on Unwelcome same gender advances 'I Don’t Want Women To Proposition Me!'

Also see the patois version HERE, ever since her support for LGBT issues was made known by the goodly professor aka the Patois Doctor and her about face on sexual orientation issues in some respects it would seem she has been approached by females identifying as same gender loving, I wonder if it's due to her balled head and her strong personality that causes the attraction to her? 

humph, let me not be factitious.

also see Dr Leachim Semaj's response: 

Sexual Situationships vs. Bona fide Love Relationships 

(The Crisis in All Shades of Grey Relationships)

and

Ageing And Lovesick? Don’t Chase Sex Fantasies

Truth is the LGBT population or some parts of it need to recognise that support from prominent persons in particular does not necessarily means they are LGBT and frankly such inappropriate advances my have us loose said support or whither away tolerance as persons may walk away feeling all LGBT persons are interested in is getting into their clothes for sex. The predatory construct or perception held by some is also what drives some homophobes as they feel justified in their anti gay position but then again Miss Cooper's image does have that stereotypical lesbian look that of a mow-hawk hairdo sadly associated with more middle class lesbian or gay men coupled with her personality as mentioned above. Yes there is a look!

Professor Carolyn Cooper

sorry girls no luck with Miss Cooper lol

Ms Cooper's previous blog entry Coming Out In Jamaica – Dead Or Alive seems to have triggered off the approaches as well, have a read of her latest entry/Gleaner piece excerpted below:

At every turn, I’m under attack. I’ve been trying so hard to emancipate myself from mental slavery. I’ve been defending gay rights in Jamaica. But it seems as if I might have to stop and start minding my own business. I can’t take on other people’s troubles.
All of us in Jamaica were raised on the Bible. As children, we were told by adults that sex was not for minors. As we grew older, we were taught that heterosexuality was the norm. Homosexuality was condemned by God: that’s what the Bible says.
I can still remember the first gay man I became aware of. He worked in a beauty parlour on the same road where I lived. 

I was about eight or nine years old at the time. And I came to realise he wasn’t ‘normal’. He walked with a swing in his hips and his hair was straightened. And he was a hairdresser! Those days, that was women’s work.
I can’t remember the first gay woman I became aware of. It seems as if we’re not so obsessed about them in Jamaica. It’s gay men who are constantly scrutinised. And since women are open about friendship and love to embrace each other, they could be gay and no one would be any the wiser.

‘BRAZEN PROPOSITION’

All that to say, I did get another email from ‘Jordan’ last week. It was funny. But I wan’t amused.Now I know how men feel when a man tries to have sex with them and they don’t want it. I’m an adult. I can make up my own mind. I’m not going to uncritically accept any interpretation of the Bible that claims we should call down hellfire on gay people. I have friends who are lesbian. But I’m not having sex with them. I’m not gay and I don’t want to be propositioned by women.

Here’s the email: “Good day Prof Cooper, how are you? I took a look at your blog it’s nicely set up. The articles are interesting.The patois makes me dizzy though as we read only english during my time at UWI. I know you don’t remember me but we ‘met’ briefly on the jogging trail a few mornings. I’ve always hoped you were gay but i never had the courage as a student to make such a brazen proposition!

“It would be good to have intelligent gay role models for homosexual youth in Jamaica, however i don’t think our society is ready for this.The PM seems to share the same sentiment as evidenced by her apparent avoidance of the issue which i believe to be a wise decision at this time. Developing a thriving economy and minimising corruption should be top priority …. well things may change unexpectedly … look what happened in Brazil a few years ago! Anyhow take care and keep up the exercise …. you look good girl !”

People take liberties with you if you’re not careful. It looks as if I’m going to have to stop writing for the Gleaner and reclaim my privacy. If it’s not abuse, it’s unwelcome advances. The only person I want to proposition me is a suitable gentleman of an appropriate age. No young boy. No old man. No married man. No man who is having sex with men and woman. You have to be literate.

You must have teeth. If you qualify, you can make an offer.  

Otherwise, please leave me in peace!

ENDS

also see from sister blog Gay Jamaica Watch: Inmate attacks alleged gay prisoner of challenges with what can be deemed inappropriate advances.

New Kingston Shoemaker Gully Homeless Gays Accused of Inappropriate Advance Towards Teen .......

or More Pastoral Inappropriateness & Under-aged Victims... Silence from The Selective Religious Anti Gay Fundamentalists? and Rev Clinton Chisholm on "Consensual Sex Revisited" 2011

WANNABE TIVOLI DON KILLED - Was warned to reconsider his desires 

Homophobic Killing or What? 

Peace and tolerance

H

Older men and Andropause or senior slump

In light of a just concluded series of workshops on gay men's health for older men forty and upwards it was interesting to see and hear some of the materials presented and that many of us have lived to see the marker despite an HIV /AIDS pandemic that wiped out and is still though slowly doing its damage to friends near and far. Despite the new technologies in pharmaceuticals and lifestyle choices that can extend our quality of life and lifespan we still as gay and bisexual men have to be cognizant of maintaining as we age gracefully and be ever more vigilant. I had done this post some years ago on my sister blog Gay Jamaica Watch how timely that it has come to be relevant some four years later, have fun:

Older men and Andropause or senior slump

image from: Procrea Test

As we age and live longer as gay and bisexual men I thought it prudent on the strength of a Facebook discussion thread in one of many Gay men over forty group/pages to share this information. I was shocked to learn that so many men have erectile dysfunction issues or diabetes leading to similar problems coupled with lowering testosterone levels. Several men want to of course continue living in healthy relationships especially worldwide with gay marriage becoming a reality co-habitation is made even more a social norm. However sexual health is crucial for men if such co-habitation is to be any meaningful separate and apart from friendships.

Andropause is the equivalent to or mimics the menopause condition that older women have in their years of life. It is basically a steady drop in the male hormone testosterone below the normal levels over time which affects nearly every other thing in the males’ body which can lead to erectile dysfunction, mood swings similar to menopause in women and fat deposits around the mid section of the body which may eventually lead to other lifestyle diseases and problems such as diabetes.

It is also called ADAM – Androgen decline in the aging male,

SHAM – shifting hormones in the aging male and another colloquial name is macho pause.

Symptoms and suggestions

Symptoms include loss of desire for sex as interest in sex falls otherwise known as the senior slump, erectile dysfunction and paranoia due to lack of sexual desire with frustration setting in. Irritability and depression with loss of sleep are spin offs as well due to the problems in their respective relationships. Hot flashes and severe mood swings with more frequency as the problem ages. On an average andropause may set in as the testis shrinks slowly and the adrenal gland that produces testosterone begins a slow decline of production of the hormone thus decreasing the availability in the male body usually in the early to mid fifties in most men, it can be earlier but it progresses as one gets older. It unfortunately a natural process for the testosterone levels in a man to fall but there may be some things one can do to maybe delay or significantly slow this occurrence.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle is one broad way then exercise and nutrition come into play as well. Avoid smoking, proper stress management skills, resting well, lowering or eliminating alcohol intake and eating well are recommended though simplistic as they may sound. Avoid or seek to decrease the physical condition of central obesity or fat around the tummy although our Jamaican culture prides “Big Belly Men” as sugar daddies or a sign of prosperity in life it can be dangerous especially as it relates to andropause. As the belly gets bigger the testosterone levels get lower and the testis get smaller as well. The actual belly fat is a sign that a man is actually producing less testosterone among other ailments and conditions as well.

Back pain is not necessarily a sign of andropause as Jamaicans like to attribute sexual prowess by the conditions of the back there may be other reasons why an older man may have back pain such as heavy object lifting or improper posture while seated and took much weight by the pot belly pulling on the rest of the body. There is no specific diet that promotes testosterone production one has to manage every day diet reducing fat intake, carbohydrates and sugars. A test is available known as a Testosterone Level which can determine the levels of the hormone in the body and possible limited testosterone treatment but not all men qualify for this kind of intervention. If a man has a very large prostate or signs of prostate cancer, heart disease, liver disease then they do not qualify for testosterone treatment. However if one doesn’t have those predisposing factors then there are dosages of testosterone that can be administered by a qualified professional.

Cardiovascular effects

The fall in testosterone levels has a number of negative effects on cardiovascular health it modifies the system, it can accelerate hardening of the blood vessels, the belly fat around the tummy area often time seeps into the bloodstream which speed up the levels of cholesterol which causes impaired circulation to the heart or long term heart disease.

Andropause can speed up the aging process tremendously. 

The emotional and behavioural changes can lead to violent reactions which paranoia men are usually very unhappy due to erectile dysfunction and with both partners in a heterosexual sense having meno and andropause it can be very confrontational. Services are available through sex therapists and Urologists (specialist who looks at problems of the urinary system) who can determine and recommend ways to resolve the issues, the urologist can test for testosterone levels and prescribe treatment where appropriate.

Bone density issues

Bone density may be affected as well as testosterone is a substance produced in the testis and the adrenals that an effect on several other parts of the body’s function. The hormone with the adrenals helps to build protein and influence the production blood cells in the bone marrow and bone formation so if one testosterone levels begin to fall one can loose bone mass thus affecting cell production which may lead to osteoporosis where the bones themselves become porous making the individual prone to fractures easier than normal.

So fellas begin to adjust your lifestyle as you get older we too have our challenges as we age not only the ladies.

Peace and tolerance

H

Intersex Individuals & Sex

Claudia Astorino (Intersex Blogger)

Having sex can be fun and great and wonderful, but it can only be these things when all parties involved are comfortable and consenting with what’s going on. Intersex individuals may have particular needs and concerns that are uncommon for others when having sex, and understanding how to make an intersex partner comfortable may require some additional knowledge and communication. These points below are not applicable to all intersex individuals, but may give you an idea of some things to discuss before getting down to ensure that a good time is had by all.


Intersex individuals may not be entirely comfortable with their bodies. Yes, many (perhaps even most) individuals in some populations struggle with body image, but it’s important to understand that the origin of such uncomfortableness come from different places. Common body image issues stem from certain kinds of body forms that are lauded as damn-near-perfect and made prominently visible in the media and entertainment industries, bombarding us at every turn - i.e., white, thin, with "conventionally attractive" facial features = a certain suite of traits most commonly found in a subset of white individuals. Those whose bodies don’t closely resemble these idealized forms may feel a host of negative feels about this.

Intersex individuals may experience these common body image issues, which serve to judge and provide the standard with what attractive and the most highly-valued bodies look like. Intersex individuals may, on top of this, also experience body image issues surrounding what "NORMAL" bodies look like and/or how they are supposed to work. Now, that's kind of a bullshit statement, because when you say, these bodies as best, you're normalizing them. But what I mean isn't the your-body-is-not-ideal-and-therefore-not-so-normal kind of normalcy, but the people-can't-conceive-that-your-bodies-even-exist-are-you-SURE-this-is-for-real kind of normalcy. There's a lot of pressure tied in with sex as it is - "Are you having it?," "Is it good?," "Are you good in bed?," "Are you sexually attractive enough?" Things get more complicated yet when you throw in, "Does my body look normal?...Will my partner(s) find my body attractive, regardless?," "Does my body work like it's expected to in sexual situations?...How will my partner(s) react if it doesn't?," and "If my partner(s) don't know I'm intersex, (when) do I want to disclose that?...Does planning to have a short- or long-term sexual relationship change my answers?"

Let's take on the last questions first. Intersex individuals may choose to disclose their intersex or not disclose it before sexual encounters, especially they are not planning on having an extended sexual relationship with their partner(s). It is important to note that not disclosing one's intersex is not being dishonest - it simply means that that intersex individual decides to to share that part of themselves with their partner(s). For example, individuals hoping for a one night stand together aren't likely to sit down together beforehand and have an hours- if not days-long conversation, staring soufully into each others' eyes, and disclose every aspect of their personal being so that prospective partners can decide whether or not to sleep with someone for one night only after hearing their whole life story. People don't necessarily disclose their entire selves to anyone, and even individuals who know us best may not know every last, single thing about us. Or people who have disclosed every aspect of themselves may not have shared every detail with a given individual - that knowledge of their whole selves is spread across people they know, have talked to, have confided in, have shared with. People pick and choose what they wish to tell others, and what they choose to tell may be highly dependent on context. It's no less dishonest to decide not to disclose one's intersex status than it is to fail to report what you had for lunch on Oct 13, 2007 or that thing you did with the thing that one time. People decide what to share of themselves with others. Deciding not to do so can't be deemed dishonest unless people consider that thing to be offbeat and bad in some way, and thus "withholding" this information was a deliberate act to deceive. Being intersex isn't bad.

The reason intersex people may choose to withhold this isn't because they view their intersex as bad (although some may that have had this ingrained by years of medical "treatment"), but it may be that they know that other people may not understand what it is, and/or they don't want to get into a lengthy conversation and explain Intersex 101 and risk getting asked invasive questions (again), and/or THEY WANT TO ENSURE THEIR SAFETY. It is well-known that transgender people for some time have been blamed for being deceptive by not disclosing their transgender status, only to have a (potential) sexual partner to verbally and/or physically assault them. You have to do what you have to do to be safe. Sometimes intersex individuals won't disclose their intersex status before having sex, and that is okay and perfectly within their right to do so.

If an intersex individual DOES share their intersex with (potential) sex partners, then the bottom line is that consent and communication are key, as they should be in any sexual encounter and/or realtionship to keep it healthy. There are some things that intersex individuals may want to discuss before having sex (again) that are relevant to the sexual experience to be had. The importance of listening and communicating respectfully can't be overstated, since it's sometimes scary to share this shit!

Intersex individuals may want to share the fact that their bodies don't always look garden-variety in various aspects. This may mean explaining their form of intersex, and what features they have and/or don't have. For example, it's very common for people with AIS (androgen insensitivity) like me to have very small nipples that pretty much don't grow since childhood. I'm really self-conscious about that when having sex sometimes, and it's something I'd want to disclose before having sex. Just to get it out there, on the table, because otherwise I'm just gonna be thinking about it and wondering if they notice and are reacting to it. I just wanna talk about it beforehand so that I'M comfortable. It has definitely been helpful when partners complement your body, let you know they find you attractive, and communicate verbally and non-verbally that they desire you. Compliments and showing that they think you're super-hot? Definitely can help put someone's omg-are-they-gonna-think-my-body's-freaky?-o-meter at ease.

This may also lead into discussions of what these body parts do and/or don't do, and thus what intersex individuals want or don't want to do during sex. Individuals with various intersex variations may want to explain the form of body parts. AIS individuals planning to engage in penetrative sex, for example (using whatever body parts or toys - we're not making penis-assumptions here!), might want to discuss the fact that, without a uterus, the vagina is "blind-ended," or ends in a sac of tissue that doesn't go up to the cervix, and thus there's a back wall to the vagina. Sometimes, there can be pain with certain kinds of contat with that back wall, and an intersex individual might want to give partners a heads up. CAH individuals might want to talk about what is called alternatingly by medical folks as an enlarged clitoris/hemipenis (although individuals may have different terms, since they can describe their own bodies however they want!) and their erectile capabilities. (Clitorises of any size have muscle tissue for erectile capabilities, but erections may be more visible with larger such-structures.) Individuals with the MRKH variation, where individuals do not have a vagina, may want to discuss that penetration would not be possible, although that most certainly doesn't mean that penetrative sex couldn't happen, and certainly doesn't mean that sex can't happen! There are SO MANY different ways one can have sex. This whole heterosexual, penis-in-the-vagina thing? Is just one way to do it. All other forms of sex are just as valid, and just as much sex as the glowing hetero standard of intercourse {*insert choir of angels here and rays of white light*}. The same goes for individuals with the aphallia variation, where individuals do not have a penis. Sex can totally happen - these individuals just might want to talk about what sex could/would look like with partners.

Individuals that have gone through medicalization may not want to do certain kinds of things during sex, or may only want to sometimes, or only in certain contexts. Some of this might be due to the fact that certain sex acts are potentially triggering for these individuals. For example, with all the dilator stuff I experienced, I sometimes don't want penetration, and need to decide if that's what I want to do on my own terms, and know that I can consent to and reserve consent to it at any time (just like any other sex acts!). Remember that, like any individual that experiences triggers, partners should be attuned to watching for signs of triggering, and communicate if their partner indicates verbally or non-verbally that they are uncomfortable. Check in. Be attentive and patient. Talk about things. A good place to get started in thinking about issues of consent is Cindy Crabtree's of (Doris zinefame) Support zine. This zine is geared toward individuals that have survived or are working through sexual abuse trauma, and so is not geared toward intersex individuals, but we have discussed how intersex individuals that have gone through medicalization have often had similar experiences as those that have experienced other forms of sexual abuse. It's also worth noting that individuals one has sex with may have a history of abuse, regardless of their intersex, so it's just good to be aware of this stuff in general. <3

Individuals who have had surgeries performed on them may also have different needs. It is known that individuals that have had clitoral surgery may, post-surgery, experience diminished or no pleasurable sexual sensations when responding to stimuli, or sensations experienced might be painful either sometimes or all the time. They may also possess scarring from the surgery, and may be self-conscious of what their genitals look like post-surgery. (Ironically, it's much less common to hear of individuals reporting they were self-conscious of their genitalia BEFORE surgery. HMMMMM.) Individuals that had vaginoplasties may experience a range of experiences having sex post-surgery since, depending on the kind of tissue used (e.g., bowel, skin), the vagina may have a more or less "typical feel" or be more or less stretchy if one cares about penetrative sex. (In the extreme case for the latter, vaginal stenosis may occur, where the vagina closes partially or completely, making penetrative sex difficult, if not impossible. This would require - you guessed it! - MORE SURGERIES. This is yet another reason such surgeries shouldn't be performed on infants and children, who are still going. If surgery is to be performed, it should be by the intersex individuals themselves, as adults, when they understand everything and want it and can CONSENT to it.) Some of the after-effects of these surgeries are also legitimate health concerns - which is ironic, since the surgeries are performed not to track health but to conform to social norms about sex and gender and bodies, but can create health problems themselves. (Does this seriously make sense to anyone?!) For example, vaginas may prolapse (= extrude out of the body partially or, in more severe cases, entirely) or grow HAIR inside them (which may happen if the tissue used to make the vagina possessed hair follicles, e.g., skin from someone's arm). These are all things that an intersex individual may want to talk about before having sex. Or not.

Let's also not forget the fact that, like any group of individuals, some intersex individuals may identify as asexual, and will want to have sex infrequently, seldom, or not at all. In this case, some of this stuff might not be super-applicable to intersex indviduals who want romantic relationships no sex involved. But aren't ya glad you know anyway? :)

In general, consent, communication, and respect are necessary components for having satisfying sexual experiences. Ask if it's okay to ask questions. Be honest, and discuss honestly and openly. Take concerns and dialogue seriously, and listen to what is being said. Evaluate what is comfortable and desirable together, and then go have lots of fun! Keeping these things in mind will result in healthy sexual encounters. And yay for that!

When she chooses the other woman (third party in a str8 couple's bed)

SIMONE MORGAN
All Woman Writer

JUST the mere thought of her significant other being with someone else may send a woman over the edge. Sadly though, nowadays it's a truth universally acknowledged that for some men, cheating and relationships go hand in hand, leaving many women on the brink of getting mad over love. But while many women head for breakdown when cheating becomes a feature of their relationships, others take control and will readily accept a third party into their love lives, providing that they get to choose the girl.Meet Jovia Davis, who admits that she's "just keeping it real", by introducing her best friend to her relationship

"My best friend and I vowed that if our spouses became [bored] we would invite a third party into the bedroom," Davis said.

"Do I have a low self-esteem? Hell no! I am just keeping it real. He will cheat anyway because that's how humans are, therefore I am willing to get that girl for him."
Her justification? "If my boyfriend should cheat on me he cannot use the excuse of 'eating fish everyday', because I gave him another option. I am accustomed to seeing relationships fail as a result of unsatisfied sexual needs, so what better person to spice up my life than my BFF?"
Sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill doesn't think low self-esteem is the reason why a woman would choose 'the other woman'.
"It may be a situation where both partners feel bored in a relationship and see the need for thrill and variety," McGill said. "The female has a close friend so she invites her for a little bedroom excitement."

MCGILL... feelings of jealousy and betrayal may come into play

The doctor said while a man's fantasy may be fulfilled -- as a lot of men have dreams about having threesomes -- inviting a third party into the bedroom could make a relationship more complicated if there is no trust.
"Feelings of jealousy and betrayal may come into play as she sees her partner getting intimate with someone else and if the third person involved is a friend and not a stranger, the friendship could be effectively ruined," Dr McGill said.

But Davis said her decision was also partly selfish, as she wants to experiment too.

"I often return the favour in her bedroom but my boyfriend is the jealous and selfish type so he is unaware of my doings," she said. "We have been together since I was a teenager so I can practically close my eyes and tell what his next move will be beneath the sheets. I have to admit that there are times when I get bored and my body is desirous of a change so that's where my BFF comes in."CARPENTER... there is a high possibility that a [woman like that] has a very high self-esteem and is pretty confident about her body

Clinical sexologist Dr Karen Carpenter lists as a type of confidence, that trait that allows women like Davis to be cool with introducing, without guilt, another woman into their bedrooms.

"There is a high possibility that a [woman like that] has a very high self-esteem and is pretty confident about her body," Dr Carpenter said. "She's confident enough to trust that her partner and her will maintain a healthy relationship after such act. It may just be a case of where she and her spouse decides to experiment or she just wants to satisfy her man's curiosity of being with two women simultaneously as that is the sexual fantasy of most men."
McGill, on the other hand, warns that if the couple doesn't enter such an arrangement with trust and understanding, "Sex may no longer be a emotional but a physical experience and that should not be".

"Although I try to look the other way, there are disadvantages staring me in the face," Davis admitted. "One is that he hardly ever wants just me anymore -- my friend has to be present or participating. If she is not available in the flesh he wants her to listen via the telephone to us. Of course I raise the issue, but he blows me off claiming that it's just for fun and excitement and I should enjoy our special moments together. I am now wondering if I should give him other options like changing our third partner. I really wonder what his reaction would be if I should invite in another man into our bedroom fun," she laughed.

The men say...
What do men think of such an arrangement? Is it the ultimate fantasy, and would he respect you after? Here's how a few men answered that question:

Rowe Henry, 37:
I would respect her more. I love my woman dearly but she has friends that I would want to get with. I wouldn't want a relationship and I am man enough not to creep with her but it's every man's fantasy to have a threesome so if my lady suggested another female for us to do it with she would be the boss. I do hope she is reading my comment now and will act accordingly.

Dane Grant, 26:
Of course I would respect my woman if she invites a girl into our bedroom. As a matter of fact, I would love her more if she invited more than one of her female friends. I would be overjoyed!

Raphael Ewin, 20:
I would respect my girl even more. I would feel that I am deeply appreciated by her if she should go all the way to invite another girl into our bed to spice up our lives. After all sharing is caring, don't?

Perk Watkins:
I would respect my girl as it's most men's -- including myself -- fantasy. It's not as simple and good as it sounds though, as feelings may get hurt along the way. Jealousy may also spring into action. Remember, there is no loving like new loving.

Sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill says "Lesbianism is on the rise in Jamaica & world-wide with even young girls in co-ed schools preferring other girls"

Bill's a 1 in bed; Luke's a 10 -

When women rate men and the changing rules about sex

By DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE and SIMONE MORGAN All Woman Writers

ONCE upon a time, men were the ones who couldn't wait to brag to their friends just how many women they conquered and how good (or not) their conquests were in bed. The more women they had the more of an ego boost they got, and many men created literal or figurative notches in their bedposts to celebrate their achievements.
On the other hand, women were so reserved and shy that they wouldn't tell even their best friends who they 'mistakenly' slept with.

But gone are the days when women marry as virgins and blush when the word 'sex' comes up.
According to sex therapist, Dr Sidney McGill, women are becoming more assertive in bed, not waiting for the men to make their approach, but instead using all their feminine wiles to conquer him and then rate his performance afterwards.
Recently, 22-year-old Duke University graduate, Karen Owen, wrote a pretend thesis rating the men she slept with in college, complete with graphs. Her 42-page presentation entitled An Education Beyond the Classroom: Excelling In the Realm of Horizontal Academics, sparked a controversial gender debate when it was leaked on the Internet.
Was she too brash to have rated her men? Did she go overboard? Was society ready for a situation where women were now counting the notches in their bedposts? Worse yet, were men now willing to be rated, publicly?

Owen's thesis skilfully spoke of her sexual conquests of 13 of the university's athletes. It not only provided ratings on a scale of one to 10 for the performance of each athlete she slept with, but she also provided the names, dates, photos, and physical attributes they all possessed, including the length and girth of their members.

And though Owen got a lot of flak world over for her openness, still many other women -- and men -- celebrated her bravery in turning the wheels on female sexuality.
"I believe women -- especially women who are financially independent -- are becoming more assertive generally," Dr McGill says. "More of them are telling their sex partners what they want, initiating sex, being actively involved in foreplay and even experimenting with sex positions that require some degree of acrobatic skill. There are more sex toy shops around and women tend to be the ones who visit these stores more regularly."

He added: "I think we live in a sexualised era. [We] live and breathe sex during our waking hours. The moral boundaries are surely not as high as they were say 15 years ago. So women have greater freedom to choose who and what they want -- including other women -- and refuse the macho facade of many young and inexperienced studs out there."
He says as a result of this era, lesbianism is on the rise in Jamaica and world-wide, with even young girls in co-ed schools preferring other girls and young female teachers over their male peers.

He noted that for years the working world was a man's domain, but with far more educated women vying for management positions in the corporate world, women have learned to adjust to the macho workforce culture in order to move up the corporate ladder.
"So the view of the stereotyped woman has been crumbling," Dr McGill says. "Many young girls cannot cook and think nothing of the lack of home making skills. With the gradual collapse of male/female stereotypes a woman is not concerned about being termed a 'slut' because she enjoys multiple sexual partners."

Like the 22-year-old Owen, Cristine T, a Kingston resident, boldly speaks about her sexual escapades.
The 27-year-old cosmetologist and mother of a nine-year-old son says she has lost count of the number of persons she has slept with, several of whom were females.
"I am not afraid to go after any man or even woman that I see fitting to my eyes and after I spot my prey(s) they are mine for the night -- it's as simple as that," Christine stated in a recent interview with All Woman.

But does she consider her actions to be unladylike? Cheap?

Not at all, and she is quick to point out that she is just being genuine and pleasing herself.
"I am in control of my sexuality and I really don't care what others think. I am just being genuine and pleasing myself," she says. "In society a man is considered to be a gyalis or macho when he sleeps with one or more woman per day and brags about it. Yet when a female does the same she is considered to be promiscuous. Well I honestly don't care what the world thinks of me, I am just proudly satisfying my sexual curiosity."

While some members of the opposite sex may take favour in Owen's and Christine's sexual patterns, there remains others who believe their behaviour is a sign of emotional instability and loose morals.

"When all is said and done a woman will never be seen equal to man as it relates to sex, as a man's outlook on sex will always be different than that of a woman," bank teller Christopher Scott says. "Unless a woman is a prostitute she usually does not have sex with a man she does not feel emotionally attached to and should not have more than one sexual partners. That behaviour spell promiscuous."

Dr McGill says though, that although some of the rules have changed, the one regarding 'one woman to one man' hasn't totally. He says people still eventually want an exclusive, loving relationship that does not include competitors for a partner's love and attention.

Does size matter? - The women speak

By DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE
Observer's All Woman writer

THE debate about the ideal size is one that continues to be a hot topic, no matter how many times the issue comes up. While many men are proud to declare that they are blessed and have just what their women require, some women feel that if he is largely proportioned but does not have the skill in using it, it is of no significance.
However, one sex therapist said size is really a state of mind for women, since studies have shown that the average depth of the vagina is only 4.5 cm. So if a man's member is longer than this, the remainder is really wasted!

"If she doesn't see it before he enters her, then she will have no hang-ups and will enjoy every moment," sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill said. "If however, she sees a small member, after having heard all those glorious tales about what a large member can do, then no matter good he is in bed, she will block her mind from it."
And so we decided to pose the question to women, 'does size matter?' 'And what in your view is the ideal size'?

Sherine, 28: Of course size matters. Even if it's big and lanky, it is better than a small one. Too small makes me nauseous just looking at it! Especially some where the scrotum is larger.

Ideal size: 9 inches.

Selena, 45: Of course size matters. I don't want anything oversized or too small. I don't want anything to cause me pain during the act, but I don't want something that I can't feel either.

Ideal size: 6 - 7 inches.

Debbie, 43: Of course size matters! What's the point of lying down and you're not feeling anything? When everything else in the relationship pop down that is the one thing that will keep it going. When there is no money, job, niceties, going out etc, you can use it till you drop. A small member cannot accomplish that!

Ideal size: 7 inches (but has to have both length and girth).

Althea, 35: It matters yes, but it is not the be all and end all. Some men feel that if they have a huge or above average member that's it. But that's not true 'cause you can have a big size and don't know how to use it and that doesn't make sense. If you're big you still need technique and skills. On the other hand if you are too small, technique and skill won't make sense. But it also depends on the woman he is with, because every woman's size is different so it depends on the woman's body mass. Maybe she is too small and can't enjoy a large member while another woman would. I guess it would be the same for a small one.
But I can see where too small could be a problem. But there are women who don't really enjoy sex so much as they do the foreplay and the intimacy, so I guess in cases like those, small wouldn't really matter.

Ideal size: 7 - 9 inches (needs to have girth).

Marcia, 39: Size matters of course but only if its average size, nothing to cause pain and nothing that you can sleep through. Some men think women enjoy a huge penis and the pain that sometimes goes with it, but that is not so. Yes you want to feel something, but that something should be good and pleasurable, not painful to the point that for days you can't walk.
Ideal size: 5 - 6 inches.

When Your Lesbian Partner is a Survivor of Sexual Abuse or Incest

Tips for your Survival

By Kathy Belge, Lesbian Life


When your partner is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or incest, you often suffer right along side her. In addition to witnessing the pain and anguish she is going through, you may not be able to be intimate with her in the way you wish. Your sex life often suffers when you are partners with a sex abuse survivor. What can you do to take care of yourself and support her at the same time?

These tips are especially for lesbian partners of sex abuse survivors.


1. It’s not your fault.


The first thing you need to remember is that you are not your partner’s abuser. Even if you sometimes do things that trigger her, that doesn’t make you a bad person. You haven’t even done anything wrong. Triggers happen.

They are part of recognizing and recovering from abuse. You and your partner need to figure out a way to deal with these triggers, but it is important that you not blame yourself if a trigger happens.


2. Your emotions are important too.


If your partner is just coming to terms and beginning the healing process of childhood sexual abuse, your relationship is going to change. She is going to be spending a lot of time and energy on her own healing. She might not have the emotional energy to devote to the things in your life. Or maybe you are minimizing what you’re going through because you think her need is greater than yours.

You need to take care of yourself. Your partner might not be as attentive as she once was, so make sure you can get support from friends or family members. See a counselor if you feel the need.


3. You can’t fix her.


This is a big one for lesbians. You can support her and help her through this hard time, but the healing is her job. And she need a qualified professional therapist to guide her through this process. You can never take away what happened to her. You can’t deny her what she is going through now.

The only way for her to heal is to experience her emotions, deal with them and move on.


4. Educate yourself.


The Courage to Heal and The Survivor’s Guide to Sex are excellent resources. Also check out About’s Incest/Abuse web site.


5. Remember sex is only one part of who you are.


If your partner is not able to be sexual at this time, continue to do the things you both enjoyed together. Have dates, get exercise, visit with friends. Take time for yourself too. This might be a good time for you to do something you’ve always wanted to do, like take an acting class or join a women’s volleyball team.


6. Healing takes time.


Some say healing from childhood sexual abuse or incest is a life long process. And it is. But things can and will get better. Some say that you should expect two full years of therapy to heal from the trauma of incest or sexual abuse. This can be a tough time for your relationship, but it can also be a rewarding time.
7. Take care of your sex life.


If your partner is not able to satisfy you sexually now, make time for yourself and masturbation. Some of the sexual activities you previously engaged in may trigger her, but there are many ways to be intimate.
Your partner may want a break from sex. She may not. If she does want a break, you deserve to hear from her how long. Does she need two weeks? Two months? How will you reassess when she’s ready?


8. If you’re a survivor of abuse yourself.


You too may be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Remember that each of you has your own healing path. How your partner is dealing with her healing may be different than you. Feel free to share with her what has worked for you, but it may not be what she needs. Don’t push her down your path. If you are both survivors of abuse, you will need to work extra hard on your boundaries. It is best if you each focus on your own healing.


9. A word about triggers.


There are different philosophies about healing from sexual abuse and incest. Your inclination may be to avoid the activities that trigger your partner. Another philosophy is that triggers need to be worked through. People who go through life avoiding triggers, never heal from them and they become more powerful. Your partner and her therapist should come up with a plan for tackling her triggers.

Romantic Jealousy is Scary!

By Larry James, Relationship Coach & Author

Jealously. . . it feeds on your insecurity, devours your self-confidence, and gobbles up the trust in your relationship.

Jealousy has been defined as an emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that she or he wants (typically attention, love, or affection) to a third party.

Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the resentfully suspicious nature of man. It is a universal emotional trauma caused by things as well as people. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat - real or imagined - to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy has a mind of its own and it is strong enough to make us believe and see things that are not even there or that have not happened yet.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

While some couples seem to feed off of inciting a playful type of jealousy, many other relationships are laid to waste by uncontrollable and irrational fits of jealous rage.

In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. But when jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Jealousy is almost always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. Unless an unfaithful partner has broken trust, about 90% of jealousy comes from from personal insecurity. When you are feeling unloved, be careful not to focus on your partner when the feelings are really inside you. Jealousy provides an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of yourself. You may be being driven by your fears.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

To keep yourself on the right track of jealousy conquering, just remember these steps:

Acknowledge your jealousy. Ask yourself where it is coming from and why it makes you feel jealous. I suggest asking yourself, "What do I feel insecure about? Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?"

Make self-health and lifestyle changes that will assist you in fighting it off. Combine jealousy with a more rational emotion. Have patience and practice!

As long as you keep those steps in mind and follow them, you will learn how to take control of your jealousy instead of it controlling you.

Emma Goldman once said, "All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open. When love can go and come without fear of meeting a watch-dog, jealousy will rarely take root because it will soon learn that where there are no locks and keys, there is no place for suspicion and distrust, two elements upon which jealousy thrives and prospers."

(thanks to Lesbian Dating & Relationships for this alert)