Ruth & Naomi ........

In the Sexual Awareness Month series this year you may have noticed I took a more biblical approach and the Ruth & Naomi story is the latest one I’ll try to tackle. Thanks to the bloggers who joined in the discussion which at times got rather vibrant. There had been some speculation about the closeness of the relationship between the two women suggestion there had some lesbian contact but the evidence of that is simply not there as some more persons where a more liberal reading still hold on to that thinking but it was more about women in their version of a support system given how women were treated. Chapter three of Ruth is where it is in this installment as two widows interact with each other in the patriarchal society in Jewish culture. Human relations and choices made either due to finding themselves in position of power and advantage or disadvantage who often end up in the line of abuse on many levels. Effectively Naomi an elderly widowed mother-in-law who encourages her widowed daughter-in-law to make herself available to a powerful rich man named Boaz to marry her. 

The book of Ruth is a short story recording an incident during the period of the Judges. An Israelite family moved from Judah to the land of Moab during a famine, the husband died, the two sons married foreign women but also die and she (Ruth) accompanied her mother-in-law and adopted Israelite faith as her own. Ruth eventually marry Boaz but not after a series of seductions as instructed or groomed by Naomi and she ended becoming the grandmother of David. The book of Ruth also shows the absorption of foreigners into Israelite culture thus pre-configuring the Christian gospel by which Gentiles are brought into God’s church. Ruth is a Gentile (Moabitess) in the ancestry of Jesus.

Ruth 3 King James Version (KJV)

3 Then Naomi her mother in law said unto her, My daughter, shall I not seek rest for thee, that it may be well with thee?

2 And now is not Boaz of our kindred, with whose maidens thou wast? Behold, he winnoweth barley to night in the threshingfloor.

3 Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor: but make not thyself known unto the man, until he shall have done eating and drinking.

4 And it shall be, when he lieth down, that thou shalt mark the place where he shall lie, and thou shalt go in, and uncover his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what thou shalt do.

5 And she said unto her, All that thou sayest unto me I will do.

6 And she went down unto the floor, and did according to all that her mother in law bade her.

7 And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down.

8 And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet.

9 And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.

10 And he said, Blessed be thou of the Lord, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich.

11 And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.

12 And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I.

13 Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman's part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth: lie down until the morning.

14 And she lay at his feet until the morning: and she rose up before one could know another. And he said, Let it not be known that a woman came into the floor.

15 Also he said, Bring the vail that thou hast upon thee, and hold it. And when she held it, he measured six measures of barley, and laid it on her: and she went into the city.

16 And when she came to her mother in law, she said, Who art thou, my daughter? And she told her all that the man had done to her.

17 And she said, These six measures of barley gave he me; for he said to me, Go not empty unto thy mother in law.

18 Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.

Naomi has been effective being seen as a ‘pimp’ by grooming and encouraging Ruth towards Boaz but bearing in mind that a kind of permitted incest was the order of the day despite the laws that protected strangers and widows but with all that her body was still the route to access. To again access to Boaz did not come as easy as today it came by women availing themselves sexually; sex used as transactionally some have said and although Boaz ended up marrying Ruth the assault in my eyes is an older woman pushing a younger woman on a rich man to secure. Naomi knew how to work the system even though laws then offered some protection to widows and strangers coming from the Sodom & Gomorrah days.

(Un)intended seduction may be the challenge here of the benefactor, the search specific nature of the grooming exercise by Naomi pushing on Ruth using femininity; unlike the Lot story of the ‘rape’ of him by his own daughters for purposes of continuing the bloodline here in this episode is about gaining wealth and security on the pretext of a seductress or in supplication, to bring it forward to today for a moment how many times have we seen mothers or guardians literally pimping out those in their charge to gain or take in income for the household. Ruth may have not even wanted to go to Boaz but in obedience to the older woman (Naomi) she obeyed the instructions, consent is another layer in this while she may have ‘offered’ herself to Boaz to eventually seduce him and the outcome showed no outright abuse.

The continuation of the bloodline so to speak and or to provide the kind of security similar to the Lot and his daughters case comes into play, the oldest male or closest male in the family has the responsibility even in a kind of permitted incest to interact with female, Naomi therefore understood the cultural nuances and encouraged Ruth albeit a foreigner into the culture. Naomi obviously was no fool in as far as the grooming of Ruth was concerned, she was looking out for what was supposedly best for her daughter in law; Ruth had done so much for Naomi prior that Naomi may have felt obligated in a sense and also knowing full well that she would get some spin-offs from the arrangement, Boaz was not the first choice so to speak but Naomi seemed sure that arrangement would have worked; I don’t think she was malicious but to instruct Ruth as to the very actions ought to do when she encouraged her to effectively seduce her; Boaz had already found some favour in Ruth as outlined in Chapter 2 of Ruth. How does someone who does not have access directly to their rights via a decision making process.

The business of survival comes into play and that women effectively had to do what they had to do; bearing in mind that the very translators of the bible wrote the thing from a patriarchal perspective.

The levirate marriage concept comes into play, a practice outlined in Deuteronomy 25 v 5 – 10 if a woman is childless after a previous marriage or with children and the husband dies the brothers of the dead husband is obligated to marry her and carry on the heritage and the children as products if that marriage legitimises the respect in the community.

Deuteronomy 25:5-10 New International Version (NIV)

5 If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband’s brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. 

6 The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel.

7 However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, “My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.” 

8 Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” 

9 his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, “This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.” 

10 That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.

Boaz in a sense realised he got caught or ‘ketch’ and he tried to worm his way out of it by differing Ruth to the other choice as he was closer in the lineage to the bloodline’ even after Ruth spends the night with Boaz he asks her not to let the other women in the circle know as if to suggest that at risk will be some compromised integrity or ethics, despite the cultural customs called for the powerful man to ensure his heritage. His strategy however was not an aggressive one and he seem to have tried to play it cool even though he knew that there was someone else with a superior claim. While Ruth did not end up in an abusive relationship how many times in contemporary reports we have heard of the pimping aspect of older women sending out their own daughters to bring in the bacon.

The rapid succession of disturbing reports of privileged pastors and church leaders who prey on vulnerable can easily be cited in this story hundreds of years old. The attachment to materialism is a major factor and some feel justified to lay themselves bare to ‘eat-a-food’ and easiest way to get to some wealth; this is not only limited to lower classes but professional persons as well for the most part to keep up appearances, the nice apartment must be maintained, the car must look a certain way or even the tertiary level fees have to be found somewhere, trouble is that sometimes the arrangement gets abusive and the privileged individual turns into a monster thinking he has a right so to do. In what are supposed to be legitimate marriages the power differentials play out, the wife may have married for some sort of security especially if she is expected to be a housewife or a stay at home mother and she must know her place; no talk of a job or continuing education under pain of losing certain benefits or gifts or how she in treated in the marriage, and sex by the way is a given whether or not she is in the mood.

More anon

Peace & tolerance

H

Consent! Because you’re mine ........

There is a school of thought especially in Christian relationship circles or some cultures that wives ought to consent in the home overall and especially when sex is demanded without any rebuff or resistance. The act of marriage supposedly allows the husband to control his wife on many fronts and she is nothing more than a subservient being or an incubator for sperm as all of nascent life, a carryover from African and Hebrew cultures arguably; a wife must not question the authority of her husband in certain respects especially the bedroom as the procreation imperative must be the marker of the marriage to impress or prove that the marriage is consummated. 

It gets worse if the wife is not gainfully employed, totally dependent on her husband for support, told not to work but remain as a housewife and rear children or can earn her own keep and attempts to live the women’s lib philosophies in the marriage, she may be told to cool it at least or physically and sexually abused at best while she is forced to cover the wounds in time for Saturday or Sunday morning service as the public must not see signs of trouble in the union. Then there is the cheating element as the husband is free to flirt or have a mistress on the side even as a Christian male but the wife dares not protest and must ‘give it up’ when needed.

The marriage liturgy for example for centuries is designed to make the one with the lesser power basically victimized and sets up some of the present skewed power differentials. Who ‘gives’ the wife away as if she is some piece or property? or we talk about pregnant teenage mothers but what if the name for the men who got them pregnant? I guess ‘normal’; we talk about nymphomaniacs but what about the men who can’t get enough? They are praised as bed killers or strong; the problematic business of tops and bottoms in terms of questions of control and how we buy into it to legitimize hetero-normative confirmation to feel accepted. Unlearning some of that role play reliance is so critical in solving some of the intimate partner issues.

The impacted person may not be even aroused, interested or seeing certain body functions at work yet she is forced to lay there as a log and put up with the torture with all kinds of thoughts in her head, including whether or not to report the matter to the police or tell other family members and in-laws; she might just be re-victimised all over again or called a liar in order to make her way out of the union or for money in a victimhood shakedown. The reliance on biblical texts such of those of apostle Paul where on one hand he equate men and women as equal where he encourages marriages seeing that he thought the second coming of Christ was near but by the time he gets to other letters to the saints he elevates the role of men and effectively makes women in relationships second fiddle whilst also suggesting women also have no role in the church leadership. Male privilege I suppose.

Secular heterosexual relationships are the same thing as recent news stories and public awareness programs suggest, some of that is influenced by dancehall in large part as in a kind of art imitating life women are just sex objects that when seen women in bag-a-woman thinking and ‘produce a yute’ as a marker of virility, single men or men without children to a certain extent as still suspected to be gay or a ‘fish’. Similarly the woman or common law wife has to ‘give it up’ when the man needs it and it gets worse when there is alcoholism involved. If ever a condom is discovered by the man in possession of the woman things can turn for the worst as she will be accused of cheating on the man and he launches the ‘consent! Because you’re mine’ and trying to escape can be problematic as a recent case showed and the woman was killed by the man who then in turn tried to commit suicide. Obviously there are other psychologies at work which the experts have been trying to simply for the public’ awareness but the rapid succession of cases suggests that there is a lot of work that is to be done. The family unit is the main corner that religious minded and conservatives tend to focus on but often nicely overlook abuse in the church as recent rapid succession of court cases shows.

Same gender component 

Substitute the above to make it a gay or lesbian union and the similarities are clear outside of having no gay marriage rights and benefits as yet. It gets more complicated when hetero-normative role play worms its way into the union; butch versus stud or so called thuggy types/heaviots versus a bottom or queen. The lesser powered individual in the union of liaison is expected to perform the assigned role or expected activity similar to a heterosexual arrangement. Disobedience of any sorts sometimes are not tolerated especially with lesbians, the butch identified women in some unions tend to mimic the role of a gangster or a man so much so that the abuse can get really physically damaging through beating or over use of sex toys to show dominance. 

Homeless component

While in this part of the equation long term relationships might not be the norm power differentials play out for purposes of control more so than sex but the lesser powered person is expected to consent or raped if they resist often done bareback which raises the STI and HIV transmission problems, the intended target is usually the physically weaker individual as part of the group dynamics overall. A similar challenge occurs in the prison systems, and other types of correctional residences the prison wife phenomenon or downlow activity can spill over into all out abuse in a single sexed febrile environments. A hierarchy of sorts already in existence in the homeless group only plays over in the point of least resistance on the part of the perpetrator and adolescent victim in particular are impacted by aggressive older men, the abuse may include forcing persons to go out and earn usually via commercial sex or robbery as well (the unusually high phone robberies in recent times) and can also have a promotional benefit in terms of the hierarchy or pecking order of the unofficial leadership of the group.

With power differentials in many of these unions there is often time no option to say; violence often associated with sex in music for example seems to be a driver of this, so the ‘wuk’ is not done until there cries of pain as evidence of good sex is complete. Sadly femme types in some unions are either forced into submission, or subscribe to the she beats me because she loves me thinking which is given credence by popular singers or ruff sex makes me legitimate in my partner’s eyes. Rihanna’s “Love on The Brain” & the ‘He beats me ‘cause he loves me’ issue was dealt with in a previous post on Gay Jamaica Watch, I looked at the lyrical content especially the refrain which said in part:

“Baby, you got me like ah, woo, ah

Don't you stop loving me, loving me

Don't quit loving me, loving me

Just start loving me, loving me, babe

Oh, and, babe, I'm fist fighting with fire

Just to get close to you

Can we burn something, babe?

And I run for miles just to get a taste

Must be love on the brain

That's got me feeling this way

It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good

And I can't get enough

Must be love on the brain, yeah

And it keeps cursing my name, cursing my name

No matter what I do

I'm no good without you

And I can't get enough

Must be love on the brain

Then you keep loving me

Just love me, yeah

Just love me

All you need to do is love me yeah

Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow

I'm tired of being played like a violin

What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin' heart?

ENDS

On the gay or bisexual side the same relationship abuse also occurred, by observation over the years it gets pretty peculiar when there is a bisexual man involved who is paranoid downlow and who may be married struggling with his sexual orientation, the partner is expected to keep the secret in order to keep up appearances elsewhere but when he needs some ass the consent! Because you’re mine slips in. Such men tend to take on less physically powered men that can be controlled and the point of least resistance is advantageous. In a previous post I looked at the legal implications in terms of reports to the police when it’s male lovers in an abusive setting; lesbians might have a better customer service experience literally in the precinct as opposed to one male accusing another; then there is the buggery law issue, the report non-consent involving anal penetration technically can land the accused or even the receptive partner depending on the details with a buggery charge or grievous sexual assault. Referrals to the requisite expert is one thing but what about the perpetrator; not many victims are willing to go all the way to a court case given the fear or exposure, retaliation and a sentencing that effectively re-victimized them all over again. The police engagement by way of reporting may only be limited to physical abuse or intimate partner violence without the sexual component which may be hard to do. The best solution is to try and leave the environment but barring any specific legislation for same gender couples especially men that may make the victim immune to a charge of buggery while going after the assault options are limited.

Peace & tolerance

H

also see:

When power differentials (of a car) attracts homophobia 

Living & dating gay & bi Peter Pan types 

Ugh! That gay thug hustlers entitlement problem again! 

Don’t get mad if your ‘TOP’ got f@cK#*

Amnon rapes Tamar ....

In this year’s series of Sexual Assault Awareness Month let us continue to look at the matter of abuse of women mostly as shown in the bible. There are some texts known as ‘texts of terror’ that are sometimes rarely used in the liturgy as they are too controversial save and except Genesis 19 and the Sodom Story or Apostle Paul’s condemnation of male and female homosexuality. Given recent events of pastors accused and found guilty of sexual assault and internationally the whole ugly mess of clerical abuse the timing of this could not have been more opportune. First let us take a look at excerpts of the text in question from 2 Samuel 13 into 14:

And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her.3 But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.4 And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king’s son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.5 And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.

6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.7 Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon’s house, and dress him meat.8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes.9 And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.18 And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king’s daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.

19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.20 And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.

21 But when king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth.22 And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.

23 And it came to pass after two full years, that Absalom had sheepshearers in Baal- hazor, which is beside Ephraim: and Absalom invited all the king’s sons.24 And Absalom came to the king, and said, Behold now, thy servant hath sheepshearers; let the king, I beseech thee, and his servants go with thy servant.25 And the king said to Absalom, Nay, my son, let us not all now go, lest we be chargeable unto thee. And he pressed him: howbeit he would not go, but blessed him.26 Then said Absalom, If not, I pray thee, let my brother Amnon go with us. And the king said unto him, Why should he go with thee?27 But Absalom pressed him, that he let Amnon and all the king’s sons go with him.

28 Now Absalom had commanded his servants, saying, Mark ye now when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say unto you, Smite Amnon; then kill him, fear not: have not I commanded you? be courageous and be valiant.29 And the servants of Absalom did unto Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and every man gat him up upon his mule, and fled.

30 And it came to pass, while they were in the way, that tidings came to David, saying, Absalom hath slain all the king’s sons, and there is not one of them left.31 Then the king arose, and tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent.32 And Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother, answered and said, Let not my lord suppose that they have slain all the young men the king’s sons; for Amnon only is dead: for by the appointment of Absalom this hath been determined from the day that he forced his sister Tamar.33 Now therefore let not my lord the king take the thing to his heart, to think that all the king’s sons are dead: for Amnon only is dead.34 But Absalom fled. And the young man that kept the watch lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came much people by the way of the hill side behind him.35 And Jonadab said unto the king, Behold, the king’s sons come: as thy servant said, so it is.36 And it came to pass, as soon as he had made an end of speaking, that, behold, the king’s sons came, and lifted up their voice and wept: and the king also and all his servants wept very sore.

37 But Absalom fled, and went to Talmai, the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son every day.38 So Absalom fled, and went to Geshur, and was there three years.39 And the soul of king David longed to go forth unto Absalom: for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead.

The scheming issue is the main theme let alone incest and when compared to present day gang rape phenomenon but to think Amnon plotted to rape his own sister and the entitlement phenomenon in Hebrew culture and is very much alive today. Tamar is lured into a well crafted plot when Amnon portrays himself to be sick and it is in Tamar’s visit the abuse is exacted in cahoots with Jonadab his cousin. Interestingly Amnon sent out the servants deliberately so he could be alone with the victim. Then the business of victim blaming, ostracism and Amnon refers to her after the fact as ‘the woman’ even as she wore the traditional ashes on her face as is customary for women who lost their virginity whilst ditching the virginal veil.

The matter was reported to David Tamar’s father although getting angry but he did nothing but then again he too had his own case to contend with Bathsheeba where he David had her and then arranged to have her husband killed. Bring it to present reality death threats are a tool to control abused persons or even exacted; a certain sexual slavery case here in Jamaica comes to mind where a teen was living in a house under duress. Then there is the business of the cover up or victim blaming comes into play similarly to present day challenges, women or abused persons are forced into silence or psychologically intimidated at the behest of the abuser, they are told to keep it quiet as in this case Tamar’s own brother Absalom when he learnt of the matter told her not to say a thing; he did eventually had Amnon murdered but what a gruesome way to end it. The recently concluded matter of the Pentecostal pastor who was taken to court after he was accused of raping a young girl with the girl’s brother as the eyewitness, the brother reported the abuse to the mother and she in turn did the right thing and had the man arrested, he got twenty years for the crime yet the mother of the children who was a member of the church has been blasted by other congregants that she is wicked and should have left it alone. The silence in the church is telling and the selectivity on issues is clear, since the recent back to back abuse matters involving pastors is glossed over or placed in a generalised context. Marches and public protests on gender based violence are admirable yet hypocritical, hardly any discourse at least publicly comes forth on a call to seek, find (not to abuse but public shame) and move towards some healing; there seems to be hardly any genuine and truthful introspection as it is just to embarrassing and the fear is the church will lose face when they already have by their self inflicted wounds hence control of people’s lives as the sex police, yet at this time when such policing is needed they dance around same.

The mother has since had to relocate and find another church community just to get some peace. She was reported to have said that she was actually threatened by persons who were supposed to be Christians yet when pastors are found wanting they defend their privilege. The justification of the attack on the mother is that she has brought disgrace to the church and that the pastor is ‘lean’ no matter as if he is sinless. It is as if we are seeing a continuation of the aforementioned issues in present realities in gender based violence, incest, misuse power and many pastors do not touch such biblical texts as it diminishes the ‘fire’ element of the liturgy, similarly to the Lot & Sodom and Gomorrah story where the frame of reference ends with the destruction of the city supposedly for homosexuality yet the preachers hardly ever seem to go further about the incest allegedly blamed on his two daughters who took turns in ‘raping’ him and both got pregnant even as he was said to be drunk when it happened; evidently he was not too drunk to have an erection though only to be taken advantage by two young women being his own daughters.

The usefulness of this and other such ‘texts of terror’ is that the business of abuse is as old as time itself and that male privilege is often wrapped up cultural practices but if it is healing that is the main thrust then truth will have to prevail. Theological avoidance is simply clear deception and such texts must be brought to the open much more that simply antigay condemnation given rise to power by often times misguided fanatical church folks and leaders, other more sensible folks need to also speak up and point out and report said abuses. Too many board members of churches know what is happening yet sweep them under the carpet so as to not upset the applecart or lose face.

Peace & tolerance

H

also see:
Justified underage sexual abuse in lieu of homosexual sex!

On pastoral abuse, celibacy, cover-ups & passing the buck

Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2017.............

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month on this and sister blog Gay Jamaica Watch, after hearing a touching in depth interview on RJR's Beyond the Headlines with host Dionne Jackson Miller with a local survivor of abuse by her grandfather she named her blog and for the first post this year I decided to share her work. She, Larissa Rhone spoke candidly of her ordeal from early as three years old and then the court system here in seeking redress to include stigmatizing comments from the attorney representing the now 80 plus year old accused right in  the very court hallway. 

Thankfully our jurisdiction has no statute of limitations so the matter could be brought forward. All this happening as other men on the cloth are being found out and exposed and even when accused are found guilty those who have done the right thing they are vilified for doing just that.

Miss Rhone wrote also:

 I’m from a tiny little island in the Caribbean name Jamaica. I’m a mother of two and the eldest of six. For years I tried to make sense of the cards in which I was dealt in my life. I found ways in which to cope. I focused on everyone around me, became a Ms. Fix it for all, as a way to deflect from what I needed to address. In my personal life, I did whatever was necessary to run away from my thoughts, I worked, school, participated in church and other social events, attended my siblings events, anything to avoid being alone with ME. I would face one set back after the other. My health was declining, but I never cared to stop, I had to keep moving. Then my siblings started leaving, having their own life’s. I tried countless hobbies, was never dedicated or disciplined enough to finish or half way complete anything I started. Just a few years ago I decided to retreat, I felt myself slipping into a state of depression. I needed to figure out the meaning of it all, what my purpose was?! I soon realized in order for me to do so I had to dig deep, I had to travel to some unpleasant places, journey to the corners of my mind and awaken things I had suppressed for years.  I was slowly dying and I wasn’t doing much to help myself.

I started my autobiography, in fact, I decided to work on my memoirs simultaneously which are still sitting on my night table. I got to about two chapters in each, and, yup,  you guessed it,  I deflected! Writing my story proved too challenging, I would have to revisit some ugly places, which mentally I wasn’t prepared. I knew however I loved writing, I dabbled in speech writing, poetry, writing for friends, don’t know if I was any good but hey, I wrote, until yup!  I stopped that too…funny!

Why now?! It’s rather freaking scary going this route, because a lot of my blogs will be on a personal note, I know I’m going to be judged, ostracized, get the backlash, the rude and insensitive comments with others taking offense and personalizing my choice and actions, the assumptions and judgement will come, the unwanted or never asked for opinions,  the critics will come out … BUT

As you know, its taboo to speak about Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA). Family and society tells us, it would be better for us to take our issues to your grave. Silently die inside, that’s much better!  Well, I can’t keep dying anymore! This much I have proven, God sustained me through it all! There is a reason, there is something bigger than me, a destiny I must fulfill.  This blog serves as my therapy, my recovery! A blog about my journey to acknowledgment, acceptance, personal growth, self discovery and my personal freedom.

This is my choice, recording the accounts of MY LIFE which entails years of sexual abuse, living with a chronic disease, betrayal, mistrust, resentment, emotional torment and mental anguish. For years I struggled with acceptance and love! I’m beginning to realize the love and acceptance I sought was there, by the way of my very siblings I so deeply loved, a few relatives, friends, last but surely not least God! I’m walking blindly by faith, blinders on walking into that which he has prepared for me, that which I was destined to become.

Here is to the past, the present, the future me. I’m shedding the veil of anger, resentment and mistrust, slowly but surely discarding the blanket of unforgiveness I safely wrapped myself in for years, coyly de-robing, emerging from a cocoon of fear that debilitated me and eagerly and anxiously stepping into the Me that God intended for Me to be.

I’m on way, I’m journeying to free!!!  Join me as I/we Journey2Free!

ENDS

More to come

also see:

Justified underage sexual abuse in lieu of homosexual sex!

On pastoral abuse, celibacy, cover-ups & passing the buck

IPV with sexual assault; a potent mix

April is observed as Sexual Assault Awareness Month on this blog and in the US and the stories and issues come flying out it is unbelievable at times. Been a little busy as of late with workshops and such and some upcoming changes that directly impacts my operations but here we go; a Facebook group discussion for example brought front and center the issues to do with intimate partner violence wrapped up in misogynistic attitudes but displayed by same gender loving female partners. The issue of butch identified women who seem to adopt assigned male attitudes negative towards women in terms of belittling them, making demands of them sexual which are to be met, power differentials that play out in rigid incorporation of hetero-normative role playing (demanding man versus submissive woman) while buying into gangsterism as defining misogyny.

The recent standoff at a popular strip club between two women I witnessed and the almost boxing ring-like cheering by other men who saw the fracas as an exciting event complete with blow by blow shouts and learned commentary to boot; that incident alone in my mind denotes the challenges and the obvious need for self expression but masculine acting women feel in order to validate their masculinity act like, adopt or project strength via bravado as in the case of marginalized men in Jamaica. This is in the context as well of recent discussions locally and internationally on non binary persons and the changing expressions out there other than the standard LGBTQ and I.

Confirmed and unconfirmed reports still abound and a recent case involving the police sites the challenges that continue to occur.

Sex on demand whether one consents or not

Then there is ‘as you see me give me’ mantra as supported by popular music and indirectly legitimises sexual assault if ever so tendentiously; a woman or even men who are seen as weaker in gay liaisons is obligated in the minds of more aggressive types and there must be no resistance to same. Co-dependencies in liaisons also plays a role I have seen over the years, one party maybe unemployed or lesser powered and is cohabiting with another who is financially stable but sexually starved or preoccupied and seeks to fulfill such needs and tension in a union of sorts. The reciprocal need to please or satisfy the other while supposedly not ruffling feathers causes all other kinds of challenges as well. So because the lesser powered individual is under ‘my roof’ that individual is obligated to open their legs in order to remain in the home if not it’s the highway and this kind of arrangement tends to pop up in so called couch surfing assistance for forcibly evicted or displaced persons who seek or get help under the guise of genuine assistance. This kind of assault issues are not limited to lower-socio economic classes as time has shown that many cases go unreported and often is spoken of (the ones that do get released) years after the fact when persons have moved on and feel more comfortable when there is a feeling that their already lessened powered position won’t be further threatened.

Ignorance plays a role as well on the part of the impacted individual as they may not be able to pick up the signs of a grooming preparatory phase before the onslaught or demands for sex without getting the required consent. Now we hear the education minister raising figures of abuse from the Office of the Children’s Registry, OCR and CISOCA from 2007 to 2015 as 16,000 plus such cases but he never said how many were solved versus unsolved. Why are seeing this scourge becoming such a rampant feature?

Despite campaigns, interventions millions of dollars spent and grants disbursed the situation seems unmoved if not unsolved by such attempts. As visibility of LGBT life continues especially since 2012 on social media and such the issues that were once either hidden or under-reported and still are to a certain extent (I have no doubt) those attendant matters come forth. Is the oppressed while changing its position to holding some power adopting the elements of the oppressor? A recent radio discussion looked at the chicken and egg situation regarding dancehall music for example and whether the influences can be tagged there; but dancehall is merely mimicking life I say on the other hand, subject matter from the genre or out of it don’t just fall from the sky I imagine.

Matters of self worth, self esteem and so on has a lot to do with it my experience has taught me, if one is not confident in who one is then there are close links to the aforementioned co-dependencies which suggests changes in systems in education, raising of children, behaviour change (ongoing but seem ineffective) and mindset change first and foremost, but where is one to begin? With the obvious backwardness as displayed recently at the anti gay group Jamaica Coalition for a Healthy Society JCHS of so called concerns on sex education in schools and a call for a kind of purging of same albeit in an information age then it is no wonder some of our challenges continue; thinking hiding information from minds when said info is a literal finger swipe away on a device (maybe the JCHS may want to censor the internet later) then they are fools frankly.

Where are these voices like JCHS when the very sexual assault and related fears turns up in churches of all places or carried out by pastors on church sisters and the age old issue of clerical abuse via priests? Then comes the rubbish frankly by Dr Wayne West chief protagonist of JCHS that “I don’t want to peep in your bedroom” claiming that the fight is not about consenting adults, then if it is not about peeping into bedrooms so to speak and the false dichotomy about freedom of speech then where else would buggery be mainly committed by said consenting adults?

It is this backwardness and supposedly protecting children in a misguided attempted to purify minds that have kept many in ignorance and hence the sometimes ridiculous debates, accusations and counter accusations of sexualizing children. Does not this same group really sit down and listen to the dancehall lyrics that play on open radio every day? The very violence, sexualization and such are promulgated by the very religious right groups on some moral quest yet find it convenient to deliberately continue to conflates abuse with same gender sex in the continuous efforts to ‘other’ those who are not as they are. With pressures such as this from fanatics and a unaturalizing of same gender loving relations then it is no wonder to me that to gain some legitimacy by adopting negative constructs seen as acceptable elsewhere.

More anon.

Peace & tolerance

H

Jamaica tolerates rape and child abuse but not homosexuality - Diana King

Though she is known for her hit song, Shy Guy, she is far from shy and never refuses to let the world know exactly how she feels.

Diana King, has found herself in hot water on social media because of a slew of posts she made in regards to Jamaica’s attitude towards homosexuals.

“JAMAICA is TOLERANT of RAPE & SEXUAL ABUSE of CHILDREN even INCESTS but NOT of SEX between CONSENTING #LGBT ADULTS,” King wrote.

That post infuriated social media users who vehemently denied her accusation of rape and sexual abuse being accepted among Jamaicans.

One user berated her for post.

“@DIANAKINGDOM this is nonsense--rapists and child molesters get beheaded before the cops come get them--nonsense--don’t speak ill of JA.”

Another user questioned King’s method of speaking on Jamaica’s attitude towards the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

"@DIANAKINGDOM your way of speaking out on a issue is to attack the entire country to gain what? hostility, more resentment toward LGBT?”

Tweets laced with expletives, were used to bash King for her perceived attack on Jamaica.

The 45-year-old was not phased by the persons who denied her allegations.

“I DON'T NEED SURVEYS • IF U CONSCIOUSLY OBSERVE U WILL SEE the TRUTH • ITS UP to U IF U CHOSE (sic) to ACCEPT IT or DENY IT,” she tweeted clearly not deterred social media users.

In 2012, King declared on her Facebook page that she was a lesbian, much to the attention of Jamaicans, with a number of persons reacting in a positive manner.

She is the first Jamaican artiste to publicly declare a same sex preference.

She also replaced Beenieman in November 2015 in New Zealand.

also see: Beenie Man off lineup, replaced with lesbian singer.

Gotta keep pushing on. While I understand there is a need to vent and the comments sometimes tests anyone's patience Miss King needs to also be mindful that she is in a position to teach; given her reach and visibility. 

Peace & tolerance.

H

Sexual assault of a same sex nature part 2

also see part 1 from 2013 HERE

As April is observed on this blog as Sexual Assault Awareness Month and also recognized in the United States where many of my readers hail and who encouraged me to mark the activities locally; some responses have come in via social media and by phone (the number located on the blogs 1-876-799-2231). Two respondents have shared their issues less than twenty four hours after the previous post to mark the awareness activity for 2016. I reminds me of the need for trustworthy spaces to air such issues as persons seek outlets to share and find if ever some emotional release.

Both respondents also granted permission to share the central issues from their experiences on here as well to whom I am very grateful, while observing the sensitivities involved I think it is important to raise the issue to indicate they are happening and out of sight is not necessarily out of mind; and that they read the original post on the subject for this year. Many suffer in silence or feel they have nowhere to really vent or share their concern. There is also deep mistrust indeed under reporting of such matters and even as more visible advocates are out there these days while commendable some persons see such advocates as unapproachable; a sentiment ringing out more and more in recent years and is as old as the life of advocacy itself since the nineties. Some persons are seen as cocky and standoffish and too ‘up there’ to identify with such issues or give a listening ear. Both respondents expressed such sentiments; I guess image is everything that is something that really needs to be addressed; the vain displays via social media can be a turnoff to many who want to reach to real people and not superficial appearing individuals via their social media profiles.

In each case the assault if not abuse was of a same gender nature and stemmed from a date gone overboard by the perpetrator who it seems misinterpreted their friendliness and or familiarity as an open initiation to sex or entitlement. 

The first case involves a long term dating couple who had been seeing each other for some time but also had intermittent hints of subtle demands for sex as a way to end the dating cycle. After an evening out on the town with all the pleasantries a working professional in her mid twenties was ready to call it a night and was expecting a chivalrous end to the date only to have groping and insisting by the date who was described as a stud that she wants some of the ‘sweet stuff’

Upon refusal things got far more physical and the think you’re better than me’ philosophy presented itself in the conversation wrapped up in an entitlement mantra as seen or displayed by misogynistic men in Jamaica. So because the aggressor was known to the impacted woman and slightly intimate the suddenly the latter is obligated to ‘let off a ting’ or give up her body to consummate whatever the aggressor thinks is happening or they are together all of a sudden in terms of a permanent relationship. Things got really rough after a while but thankfully never went to the stage of full rape but the woman was assaulted none the less. The matter was not reported to the police but she was considering it and wondered if there was any legislation that would protect her; I suggested yes as a previous case had intimated regarding a so called lesbian who was charged for assault after using a bottle to penetrate another female. She has not seen the aggressor in person and several attempts by same to contact her via Facebook has subsequently blocked her and has gone as far as to change her number. She is even considering relocating to a new address just to avoid impromptu visits by the aggressor. I suggested if it gets really weird or stalking becomes the means to pursue her then a police report is definitely in the works if not a restraining order of some kind. She sounded more upbeat by the end of the exchange none the less and is trying to move on with her life she says.

In the second matter it is a more midterm relationship issues involving non consent or forced sexual advances. Both women cohabit in the home of the impacted lesbian for less than two years and while there was some sexual activity based mostly on consent or some light aphrodisiac resistance as foreplay things got testier as time progressed. The impacted woman shared that the partner would demand sex almost immediately via phone or social media and upon arrival at home the demand was expected to be met; when not met the aggressor goes into ‘take it’ mode with occasional struggles that do not go to a full rape. However one moment led to a full assault in her eyes as she was pinned down for a few minutes as the aggressor kissed and attempted to undo her blouse etc. Since then the women were not on speaking terms and a third party was made aware of some of the challenges who in turn offered temporary shelter until she was able to fully relocate to another rented premises. The matter was not reported to the police as usual the fear is perceptions are that the cops may not be equipped to address such matters given the sentiments on homosexuality generally and exposure to family and others.

The near misogynistic appearing practices by some women especially studs and butch identified in a kind of masculine and manly experiences in same gender loving women populations is a bit disturbing to me; they adopt almost totally the attitudes of some men in Jamaica or their bravado to project strength on their partners or prospect and the age old entitlement phenomenon sets in. There are some outlets to assist women to navigate those issues thankfully as some training have been ongoing with even non LGBT outfits for women. It seems maybe some awareness campaign is needed or fine tune the ones already out there to let women know there are such outlets with confidential operatives to share and work out solutions.

Most of us can only offer emotional support and encouragement towards moving on while addressing the concerns including safety. It is hard to measure how deep these sensitivities lie as well as I still suspect some under-reporting is still at work.

Peace & tolerance

H

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month ...............

OK so I missed it last year and I apologize [while being racked for making such a faux pas lol], maybe so much was on my plate or scheduling issues. Thanks for the reminder readers; I am impressed now that there are and indeed always been some on point readers.

Now to pressing matters:

This year's theme on this blog is "Prevention is possible'' as myself and stakeholders offer some tips with regards to lessening ones risk of assault. Specific to corrective rape challenges there were only two reports that came in for 2015 that were confirmed which is two too many but a marked reduction as opposed to recent years.

The abuse of children however is still an issue and will be tackled by Eve for Life at an event planned for April 12, 2016.

Now for some tips on reducing risk of assault.

Safety Planning
For many people who have been impacted by sexual assault, current and long-term safety can be an ongoing concern. 

If Someone is Pressuring You
If you find yourself in in a situation where someone is pressuring you, remember that it’s not your fault. These tips may help you exit the situation safely.

What Consent Looks Like
The laws about consent vary by age in Jamaica AOC is 16, but you don’t have to be a legal expert to understand how consent plays out in real life.

Safety Tips for Traveling
The following tips can help travelers plan for a safe and comfortable trip and may reduce the risk of many different types of crimes, including sexual violence.

Alcohol Safety
Alcohol may make it easier for a perpetrator to commit sexual assault and can even prevent someone from remembering that the assault occurred.

Safe Web Browsing
There are two important safety elements to consider when you're browsing online: privacy and security.

Meeting Offline
Consider these safety tips when you plan to meet someone offline.

Social Media Safety
Take steps to protect your personal safety with the following social media safety tips.

Staying Safe on Campus

College campuses can give you a sense of security—a feeling that everyone knows each other and watches out for one another. There are perpetrators who take advantage of this feeling of safety and security to commit acts of sexual violence.

Lesbophobic threat:
If in any doubt relocate as quickly as possible, report the matter to a trusted source or outfit or the police. Set your schedule for daytime movements as best as possible. Note untoward comments and misogynistic gestures. 

Resources for Parents

Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse
There is no foolproof way to protect children from abuse, but there are steps you can take to reduce the risk of harm.

Talking to Your Kids about Sexual Assault
Conversations about sexual assault can be a part of the safety conversations you’re already having today.

If You Suspect A Child Is Being Harmed
Child sexual abuse is a crime that often goes undetected, but you have the power to make a positive difference in a child's life by stepping in when you suspect harm.

Evaluating Caregivers
There are steps you can take to evaluate caregivers, such as babysitters or nursing homes, to reduce the risk of something happening to your loved one.

If Your Child May Be Harming Another Child
If your child has acted inappropriately or hurt another child, it is imperative that you take steps to ensure the safety of others.

Warning Signs

It’s not always obvious when someone you care about has been affected by sexual violence. Learn the warning signs for children, teens, and college-age adults.

Try to research other online sources for tips and be vigilant at all times even when you may feel there is no threat.

Peace & tolerance.

H

Government of Jamaica Committed to the Eradication of Gender Based Violence

Minister of Culture, Gender, Entertainment and Sport (CGES), the Honourable Olivia ‘Babsy’ Grange shares a photo opportunity at the launch of The Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence Project with (from left) Permanent Secretary, Ministry CGES, Alison McLean; Women’s Incorporated, Joyce Hewitt and Former Senator, Imani Duncan-Price. The event took place at the Spanish Court Hotel in Kingston on April 4, 2016.

Minister with responsibility for Gender Affairs, the Honourable Olivia ‘Babsy’ Grange, has said that the Government is committed to ensuring that gender-based violence is eradicated through the use of the National Strategic Action Plan to Eliminate Gender-Based Violence in Jamaica (NSAP-GBV).

But this sounds like a typical cisgender thrusted efforted on a heteronormative construct of gender, wherein April is observed on this blog and in the United States as Sexual Assault Awareness Month this news is not comforting at all as it is limiting.

Speaking at the launch of ‘The Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence Project’ at the Spanish Court Hotel in Kingston yesterday (April 4, 2016), the Minister said, “I wish to re-iterate in the strongest and most unequivocal manner that the Government of Jamaica is committed to ensuring that the scourge of violence against women and other forms of gender based violence are once and for all eradicated from this society”.

She added that once this is done, “all Jamaicans will be able to live free from the fear of harm and hurt because of domestic violence, sexual violence and other forms of gender based crimes”.

Minister Grange also highlighted the fact that gender based violence remains a critical issue and therefore a collective effort is necessary, noting that it is important to work together in order to ensure change in this area. She said, “We are not going to be able to bring about meaningful change without the active and consistent engagement of ordinary citizens, government and non-governmental organizations”.

The Minister pointed out that the NSAP-GBV, though currently in draft format, will be used to tackle gender based violence in Jamaica. “We intend to have this Action Plan before the cabinet for approval by the end of May,” she stated.

The NSAP-GBV was crafted by the Bureau of Gender Affairs and other stakeholders and will serve as a monitoring and enforcement mechanism, which will facilitate a holistic approach towards the elimination of gender based violence in Jamaica.

Let us see what the final document or policy will look like to include 'third genders' and transgender persons and such if it is the government is clear on real inclusion here.

Also see from Loop News: ‘Bureau of Women’s Affairs’ out; ‘Bureau of Gender Affairs’ in

Peace & tolerance

H

C’bean countries need holistic approach to dealing with violence against women and girls

PORT OF SPAIN, Trinidad (CMC) – Caribbean countries have been told that they would need to adopt a holistic approach in responding to and preventing violence against women and girls.

Two senior United Nations officials who have visited four Caribbean countries – Trinidad and Tobago, Jamaica, Barbados and Dominica –have also noted that violence against women is a human rights violation, “which precludes the realization of all other human rights and is a barrier to the effective exercise of citizenship rights”.

Rashida Manjoo, United Nations Special Rapporteur on Violence against Women, its Causes and Consequences, as well as Commissioner Tracy Robinson, Rapporteur on the Rights of Women of the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights, conducted the study during the period April 15-28.

A UN statement said that the joint activity took place in the broader context of the cooperation and partnership between the international and regional systems of protection of human rights.

It said that during their visits to the four Caribbean Community (CARICOM) countries, discussions with both state and non state actors “focused on priority issues concerning violence against women and girls and the prevention and response to this human rights violation”.

“The Rapporteurs note that many interlocutors described violence against women and girls as normalized, widespread and of pandemic proportions, and underreported. Some of the manifestations referred to within the home, community, workplace and in state institutions included psychological, physical, sexual, economic and institutional violence,” the statement noted.

It said that human rights issues affecting lesbian, bisexual and transsexual women were referred to continuously in meetings, including practices described as “corrective” violence. The issue of a rise in the prevalence of gender-related killings, as the ultimate act in a continuum of violence, was also highlighted in some contexts.

The statement said the issue of sexual violence against girls was raised in all four countries as a widespread concern.

“For example in one country the Rapporteurs were notified by a government entity that 97 percent of all reported cases of child victims of sexual violence were girls. Interviewees stated that in many instances private resolution of these cases was undertaken between the perpetrator and the victim’s family. “Mention was also made of the disproportionate use of detention in the case of girls in need of protection, many of whom are victims of violence, for “wandering” or for being “uncontrollable”.

The Rapporteurs said they also received information from both state officials and civil society that in some countries girls are incarcerated in adult facilities due to the lack of specific facilities for juveniles, which exposes them to the risk of institutional violence.

The two UN officials said they acknowledge the efforts undertaken by the governments to adopt and reform existing legislation concerning domestic violence and sexual offenses, to develop national gender policies, to create bureaus in charge of gender issues, and to provide a number of programmes and services for victims of violence against women.

“Both State and non-State actors voiced concern over the inadequate understanding of a gendered response to violence against women and girls, which in all four countries reflected a focus on men and boys, with violence against women being treated as a secondary issue.

“Numerous interventions highlighted the struggle of civil society to maintain the focus on violence against women and girls, despite the evidence of its pervasiveness, and the lack of adequate support and partnership in provision of services including safe houses.”

The Rapporteurs said that the numerous challenges identified require that in order to provide an effective response to violence against women and girls “there needs to be more resources allocated; ongoing monitoring and evaluation of policies and training programmes; proper data collection; and implementation of appropriate complaints mechanisms to strengthen accountability”.