I am 21 years old and I am having a serious problem. It seems as if a battle is going on inside me between my good conscience and my bad conscience.
At times I wonder if I will go insane. I am a strong believer, in God and I want to serve and live for Him, but there are certain things in my life that are causing me concern. I met a man online two years ago.
This man is good to me, but there are certain things that I do that he likes and if I stop doing them, I fear I will lose him. He likes the fact that I'm bisexual. He buys me sex toys and I make videos and take certain pictures for him.
He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he also wants to have a child with me. I told him about my decision to no longer have sex with him out of wedlock and he agreed with my decision, but his tone of voice says otherwise. This man is a good father to his son and mine - both are honour role students. He is also a believer in God, but he does not read the Bible or pray as much as I do. He says he supports my decision, yet he does not try to help me stay true to it. I told him about it and we talk about it, yet the next day, we are back to the same thing.
Pastor, I need your help because something inside me is telling me to live my life, while something else is telling me that I am here for a purpose and not just to live. I know that if I stop what I am doing, it will be the right thing.
But I am afraid that these thoughts will drive me crazy. Pastor, I need your advice. The things I get involved in sexually make me weak when I'm trying to be strong, and my boyfriend does not try to help me stay strong. He still asks for what I can give him and there is no one around me to help me on my path. I am on my own.
If you are serious about bringing a change into your life, you need to seek help from the minister of the church I am assuming that you are attending. If you do not attend church, I suggest that you need to start doing so and make an appointment to see the minister or pastor, who would become your spiritual adviser, so to speak. You need help - spiritual help. You cannot fight this battle alone. And I say battle because it is, that is why you have great turmoil within and you speak of the turmoil as your conscience. You admitted that you are bisexual, but you have not mentioned the other persons in your life with whom you are actively having sex. Although you are having sex with them, you consider this man who has promised to marry you to be your main sexual partner. You want to stop having sex with him because you want to get married, so I suppose that that desire of not having sex outside of wedlock would also go for everybody. This man is also agreeing with you, but his action shows that he is not serious. He is not willing to stay away from you and to stop having sex with you.
He gets tremendous kicks out of the things you do. I am sure that you have heard that promises are a comfort to a fool. When he is around you and he wants to have sexual thrills, he can get it from you anytime - and you are too weak to resist him. That is what he is accustomed to, that is what holds both of you together and nothing else. I wish you could see the tremendous danger in making sexual videos and taking pictures of yourself and others and giving them to this man. You are making a big mistake. Have you considered what impact that would have on your son and your relatives if this man were to release such videos and photographs to the public? Oh my! What would happen if this man were to place some of these things on social media?
I am not condemning you at all. I know you are young and sometimes young people don't think of the negative impact things like these can have on their lives.
However, you are crying out for help. I know some folks would not like what I am about to say, but I will say it nevertheless. I believe that you are a good girl in your own right. You need some guidance, spiritual guidance. You are crying out for help. You have come to realise that having fun, the way you are going about it, is not satisfying. Therefore, I ask you to pray about your situation, go to church, drop all these girlfriends and boyfriends that you have. Tell the man that you consider your main beau to come to church with you, but if he doesn't want to do so, go nevertheless. Talk to the pastor or his wife and ask them for help. They will do their best to help you. You did not mention with whom you are living and whether you are working, or if this man is taking care of you. I wish you had divulged that. I hope you are employed. You have my prayers and if I can be of further help to you, please contact me again.